pun of the week

i was hanging out in london, ohio with three super-cool couples.

mike and janine's son greg is actually a past pun of the week winner.

greg couldn't make it to dinner that night and mike extended greg's salutations.

it seems greg was out playing basketball with some of his teenage buddies.

janine laughed and mentioned something about how greg always comes home upset because he never feels that his basketball skills are up to par.

"have you explained to him that he is greek and his people weren't meant for that game?" i asked.

mike concurred, "exactly, his people were made for naked running."

truly groan-worthy... truly awesome.

what did tennessee?

the same thing arkansas!

4th grade geography jokes rule!

seriously, if you know my sister and want to read her goofy stories from tennessee, click the banner below.

she's not near as verbose as i am, so personal time invested is short.

it was cute the first million times

truthfully, it is only a coincidence that this post lands so near valentine's day.

i'll start with an obvious note.

for most single people, their singleness can be a very sensitive subject.

for one thing, as a single person you are often confronted with oceans of propaganda telling you that you are worthless and have no chance at ever experiencing true happiness unless you find "that special someone."

i primarily blame the hallmark corporation, tom hanks and sandra bullock movies and dean martin songs for this. oh yeah, and the big oil corporations too.


this pressure i can deal with. it's the family nagging that kills me, the little passive aggressive reminders that i will die alone.

even my youngest cousin, now nine years old, whom i love so very dearly, asks me about my current non-marital status.

around age four, she began with "noah, why don't you have a wife?" she would repeatedly inquire about every 2-3 months.

at around age six and a half, i think she realized that it wasn't going to happen so now she just tells me that i need to get a dog.

last week, i had a little dinner party for my mom and dad's 32nd anniversary to which i invited all of my local family.

i love to entertain and it was for my mom and dad so i made 2 large lasagnas and a big pot of penne.

i cleaned my house thoroughly and lit candles and everything.

that night, as i was hurriedly preparing the evening meal in my kitchen my great-aunt poked her head in to check on the action.

cheese was being grated, pots stirred, ovens checked, wine poured.

amid the din and confusion aunt mary looked and me and smiled and said for all to hear, "noah, you'll make some woman a good wife some day."

now, aunt mary doesn't have a mean-spirited bone in her body, so i smiled and jokingly replied, "yep, i do dishes and laundry too."

ha ha ha.

perhaps it's a generation thing because my great-uncle and other two great-aunts made the very same comment to me no less than 4 more times that evening.

even more recently, i was at sunday services and afterwards asked a friend if i could hold her new baby, kristin.

the child is adorable and i come from a big family who loves babies and makes lots of them.

seriously, my family procreates faster than catholic bunnies.

at least eight people made very loud comments about how i would soon be a dad myself and how natural i looked holding a baby.

one woman went so far as to call two other women to come look at how the baby was smiling at me.

"awwwww..." she said in a goo-goo baby voice. "look at her! she is in love! somebody's gonna be a good daddy some day! yes he is! who's gonna be a good daddy? ah-goo! who's gonna be a good daddy?"

i later told a friend that it was all i could do to not get in her face and in a mocking baby voice say, "no it's not! somebody's not gonna be a daddy someday! ah-goo! no he isn't! because somebody's a majorly depressive spaz with no self-worth, who's afraid of being happy and is too chicken to ever make the first move with a woman! yes he is! ah-goo!"

...

ah, blogs... they're cheaper than therapy.

pun of the week

i was at a chinese restaurant when i vocalized this little nugget:

i want to open my own chinese restaurant.

it would be just right for romantic dinner dates.

i'd only play marvin gaye music there.

i'd call the place szechuan healing.

how cold is it?

it's colder than a witch's nipple in a brass bra doing push-ups in the snow.