a salute to our... women in... khakhi???

holy crap, i had mall security chasing me yesterday.

it all started on a field trip for work.

our whole team went out to the dayton mall to do research on store graphics and lighting.

i brought my digital camera to document best practices that we would find.

i was taking pictures of hanging brackets, framing elements, lighting signage, etc.

we went into the orvis store, kind of an upscale gander mountain or bass pro shop without the bait.

the five of us were looking at a display rack with an interesting framing device and my boss asked me to take a picture of it.

we had already told a store clerk that we were doing research for a local design firm.

well, the five of us white people must have looked like terrorists or corporate saboteurs because the guy went and got his manager.

the manager looked like he was in the middle of cardiac arrest, his face was so red.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!" he bellowed.

my manager calmly explained that we worked for a local design firm and we were doing research on best practices of store design.

"YOU CAN'T TAKE PICTURES IN THE STORE!!!!" he blurted.

my manager calmly apologized and we continued on our merry way.

next we strolled down to the lenscrafters where we saw some interesting graphics hanging devices in the windows.

my boss asked me to take some pictures of this and we decided to head into the store.

the rest of my team filed in but i lagged for a few seconds to look at another window.

just then, a mall security jeep came flying toward me with menacing green lights flashing and horn honking repeatedly.

the female security office actually rode up the curb trying to get after me.

she barely had time to throw it into park before she hopped out of the vehicle running after me.

"HEY!" she yelled. "WE GOT A CALL FROM THE ORVIS MANAGER AND HE TOLD YOU NO PHOTOGRAPHY HERE!"

in disbelief i asked, "not even outside the store?"

"NOT OUTSIDE THE STORE!!! NOT ANYWHERE ON THE PROPERTY!!!" she yelped.

i noticed more green lights behind me and turned to see backup arriving.

inside this identical jeep was an overweight, mustachioed police academy drop-out with cinnabon icing on his chin and beads of sweat running down the side of his face.

he radioed to his fellow "officer" standing not thirty feet from his vehicle.

the five dollar radio on her shoulder squawked something unintelligible.

leaving one hand on her pepper spray holster, she craned her neck and responded.

barely 90 seconds had passed and my manager finally came out of the store to see what was happening.

"is everything OK?" she asked.

rolling my eyes at her, i replied "apparently we're not allowed to take pictures on the property."

"ok, well, put your camera away and let's go inside. sorry about that."

and we walked into the lenscrafters.

we spent a while in the store where a very attractive and congenial store clerk told us we could take all the pictures that we wanted.

but as we exited, we saw the same security jeep and its occupant eying us tensely.

at that moment i imagined her sitting at a desk in a security office behind the spencers gifts store getting chewed out by her hard-nosed security chief (perhaps played by hollywood's dennis franz) for letting us perps escape.

"YOU LET A CODE 34 WALK?!?! YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE REGIMENT!!!" i imagined him yelling.

"I WANT YOU'RE PATCH AND SPRAY ON MY DESK AND YOUR LUNCH SACK OUT OF THE MINI FRIDGE BY FIVE!!!

"AND DON'T FORGET TO CLOCK OUT OR THE TEMP AGENCY WILL HEAR ABOUT IT!!!"

yeah, i bet that's exactly what it's like.

i gots to get my groove on, yo.

wow, i can't believe i'm dancing @ a mixer. gotta go. they're playing usher. that's my jam. holla!

billy jean, my lover is not

i was at target yesterday and i saw this awesome bit of toy packaging.

until now, i had never thought of yoda as a michael jackson fan

etymologically speaking... i'm a huge dork

i was talking to a buddy of mine last friday and i slipped the word "machiavellian" into the conversation.

david, being the sarcastic sunnuvagun that he is, mockingly said "machiavellian, huh?"

to which i responded, "y'know, i was thinking about that word the other day and i'd like to do something so awesome that my last name is turned into an adjective, like orwellian or dickensian or freudian. i want something to be described as "medlenian."

david was quick with a suggestion.

"that could describe a really, really long nap."

i laughed hard and then countered, "or if you tell somebody the same story that you've already told them 8 times before. the you could say it was quite medlenian of you."

----

call me officer sexy

i got pulled over on my way to work by the handsomest highway patrolman i've ever seen in my life

pun of the week

i was at a friends house for a backyard fire shindig on saturday.

i noticed a book of conversation starters on their table called "getting to know you"

there were silly questions like, "who would play you in a movie of your life."

i began reading them aloud and everybody was cutting jokes.

i turned to a page with an interesting nugget...

"name something that your parents did while raising you that you will not do to your children." i read aloud.

without pausing i replied to myself...

"when i was little my mom and dad would tie us down to our beds and beat us with a pillow case with a bar of dial hand soap inside."

i paused as every person in the room turned to look at me.

"i definitely won't make the same mistake with my kids."

i looked down to the book as i thumbed to another page.

under my breath, i continued.

"i'll use irish springs."

seconds passed like eons before i looked up with a sarcastic smirk on my face.

i love bringing a room to stunned silence.

leftovers... feel the love

this was an actual note that one of my cousin's friends wrote on her takeout box.

if you can't read it, it says,

" dear mom,

here's my leftovers, you know, the crap that i was too stuft to it.

thanks for giving birth to me, that was pretty awesome of you.

your truly,

alyson"

family photos... d'oh!