a positive outlook on layoffs

i used to work at an ad agency where one of the VPs was a totally abusive tyrant with a major napoleon complex.

while i was there i learned that i wasn't the first to endure his verbal and emotional abuse.

primarily because of this particular person, the turnover rate for employees is pushing 30%.

there are only 20 employees at this particular agency.

roughly every 75 days someone was moving on to greener pastures, as they say.

the one upside to this was that there was a thriving counter-culture that arose in the late 80's.

a former head of PR noticed the trend of talented artists coming in with high hopes and leaving because of the irrational, unprofessional behavior and cronyism.

to give the other poor victims of these heinous crimes some hope he created a "golden ticket" of sorts.

it was an envelope containing a postcard with the company letterhead and a remarkably appropriate mark twain quote on it.

the recipient of this card was then marked as the next person who had to leave the organization.

for more than 15 years, this card was fought over among the employees because it was more than just a scrap of paper, it was a right of passage.

it was a ticket to freedom that was to be redeemed as soon as possible.

i made a copy of it and have it posted above my desk.

even now as people are getting laid off at work, i look up at it and remember that things could be worse.

i could still be working there.

transformers as christian allegory from a 7-yr-old

there's a kid named manny in my bible study group that is seven years old and completely and utterly enthralled with the world of transformers.

about three months ago, he discovered that i knew about transformers, which up to that point he thought was an experience that was unique to kids his age.

since then, he has hounded me with questions about specific characters that i hadn't thought about since i was his age twenty years ago.

every week at bible study group he regales me with stories of the various incarnations of optimus prime, the governmental structure of the speed planet the pivotal role of unicron and the insidious nature of megatron.

this has been going on weekly for 3 months now.

this past saturday, he started in again about a particular character named Sideways who's nefarious plot is to simply stir up contention among the autobots and get them to fight each other.

not only can manny go on and on for hours on the subject, he is also VERY soft-spoken. this makes it hard for even the most intent listener to understand what he is saying.

i did my best to listen to this long diatribe but after about 10 minutes i asked him to stop. we were, after all, out in the public ministry work and i had determined that it wasn't the appropriate time.

as kindly as i could, i said to him, "manny, maybe we should talk about something else right now. it's time to talk about the bible with our neighbors. let's talk about jesus and god's kingdom."

there was a long healthy pause in the conversation.

after much deliberation, manny spoke.

"y'know, optimus prime is kinda like jesus... he's wise and powerful and kind... "

"plus he died and came back... " i chimed in.

"and megatron is kind of like satan because he wants to rule the universe and only wants to do bad things... and the deceptacons are kind of like the demons because they follow him... and unicron is kind of like god because he created all the transformers and the planets and he can never die and he was never born, he just always was... "

at this point, manny's dad, randy, stepped in and said, "okay, manny, i think we're done with transformers today."

i laughed.

but then the more i thought about it, manny is right. there are an awful lot of parallels to biblical accounts in the world of transformers. i think he may be the only seven-year old alive who "gets it".

inspired by this new insight, i've created the art above.

my wutang style beats your sudoku style

i beat my high score recently.

i just wanted the world to know.

horrible pun of the week

i'll be the first to admit that i've committed some egregious crimes of the pun variety.

the latest was from this past weekend.

i was eating lunch with a group of people and a young woman in the group was regaling us with stories about her recent trip to prague.

someone in the group asked her if it was her first time being abroad.

without missing a beat i replied, "actually, she's been one all her life."

is this thing on?

i feel so alone

i sold my 60gb iPod, which i affectionately dubbed "podzilla", to my little sister about 2 weeks ago.

i actually listened to the radio for one whole song this morning, but it offered no solace.

if you don't mind, i'd like to talk to my departed friend for a few paragraphs while i play boyz II men's "it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

here goes...

i will miss you podzilla.

you were always there when i needed you.

when i was depressed, you helped me grieve with your "slit a wrist" playlist.

when i was happy you helped me express it with your "singing in the car" mix.

times weren't always easy for the two of us.

i remember that accidental drop you took last april. i thought i almost lost you.

i swore from that moment on that i would cherish every day that we spent together.

and i have.

i will always think of you fondly and recall the times i proudly displayed you to everyone i met.

you brought me joy and happiness and you never judged me when i downloaded the spice girls onto your hard drive.

i hope your next owner appreciates and loves you as much as i have.

and remember, we'll always have that stretch of I-75 to cincinnati.

i've decided to wait a while and not buy just any old ipod while i'm on the rebound.

but i have already picked out a name for the next one that i adopt.

mecha-podzilla!!!

i love my job

and i'm seriously expanding my skillset.

movies that changed my life, part 1

as a teenager, i was very self-conscious about my body.

this is not a unique thing. in fact, i would say it's part of the modern human experience.

a certain movie came out when i was seventeen that propelled my insecurities to everest-level heights.

that movie was austin powers: the spy who shagged me.

i do admit that i was as enthralled with this character as the rest of the country.

i was known to let a "yeah, baby!" fly from time to time.

however, from that time forward, i was no longer able to remove my shirt in publc places.

pools and beaches were to be avoided at all cost.

i have a hairy chest. a lot of men do.

even now, 10 years later, i cannot frequent these places without hearing some idiot put on their best mike myers impersonation.

girlfriends, family members, small children, it doesn't matter, they all do it and think it is the most clever thing they've ever said.

here's an idea! when a kid with a stutter comes around, we can all start saying, "that's all folks!" and giggle right to his face.

i hate you, mike myers and your stupid movie.

they grow into evil women so fast...

at the district convention, my best friends' little girl, isabella (pictured right), sat next to me for part of the session on sunday.

she took out her notebook and colored pencils and, trying to keep her focused on spiritual things, i asked her to draw noah's ark.

she rendered a wonderful illustration with different types of exotic animals peering out of each window.

feeling good about my grown-up skills, i encouraged her to draw some more.

again, focusing on spiritual things, i asked her to draw what her house is going to look like in paradise. "and draw where i'm going to live too!" i whispered.

i was hearing "raindrops keep falling on my head" and i sensed that this was going to be a sweet bonding experience for the both of us.

i watched as she drew two a-frame buildings touching each other.

i was deeply moved. isabella wanted me to live in an adjoining house with her family.

"that's beautiful!" i gushed, "Which one is mine."

"neither." she replied, "that's the garage."

"of course!" i thought.

i had asked a 7-yr-old child of a real estate agent to draw a house. why hadn't i expected her to draw the deluxe model?

still i pressed forward.

"what about my house?" i asked, "do i live nearby?"

she looked at me and smiled. "i'll draw where you're going to live!"

she chose the green pencil from the assortment in my hand and proceeded to fill the entire page up with the one color.

intrigued, i watched closer. was i going to be living in the amazon?

she then selected the brown pencil, drew a giant circle in the middle of the page and filled it in with the same brown.

smiling proudly she held it up to show me.

"you're gonna live in a hole!"

wickedly she giggled to herself.

i'll try to get scans to post later.

... and that's how i met your grandmother.

the following is a blog entry for my future grandchildren.

...

it was really serendipity that brought your grandmother and i together.

you see, after our religious convention, i went out to eat with your greatgrandma and grandpa and your aunt mel and her kids.

i had just eaten at this very same restaurant not one month prior.

we ordered our drinks and i decided to use the restroom.

of course, having eaten there recently, i knew exactly where the restrooms were and i entered into the door to the left.

as i entered the bathroom, something seemed amiss, but my mind was on ten different things and i really had to go pee.

my tingling spider-sense was overruled by a different and more alarming tingling sensation south of the border.

the urge to go was so strong that i didn't even close the stall door.

"why should i close the stall?" i thought to myself, "it's just a men's room."

mid-stream i discovered with a shock that it was not when i heard a young lady behind me yelp as she entered the room.

"oh! am i in the wrong room?!?!?" she cried.

"i don't know!" i replied frightedly over my shoulder, "am i?"

now most guys will tell you that it's very difficult to stop going once you turn on the water works.

in this case the shock and embarassment immediately activated the emergency shut-off valve and i hurriedly closed up shop and washed my hands.

exiting the ladies' room, i covered my eyes and muttered "i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry" as i passed the young woman who was now waiting outside.

i returned to my table quite red in the face, but not as embarassed as i was a few moments later when the very same young woman sat down at the table right next to ours, looking equally flushed.

she sat down and whispered something to her friends.

trying to make the best of things, i pushed my chair out and turned around.

as i got a better view of the girl, i saw that she was actually quite attractive and was a delegate from the very convention that we had just left.

holding out my hand i said, "hi, my name's noah. i'm so sorry. what's your name?"

she introduced herself and apologized as well.

"y'know," i pondered out loud, "i thought it was strange that the restroom didn't have any urinals."

and your grandmother laughed.

it was at that moment that i realized that our souls were going to be bonded forever.

...

and a brief message to don pablo's...

PAINT SOME FRICKIN' ICONS ON YOUR RESTROOM DOORS!!!

I SEE SO MUCH TYPE EVERY DAY THAT I'VE STOPPED READING EVERYTHING THAT IS PUT IN FRONT OF ME!!!

RETARDS LIKE ME NEED PICTURES!!!!

jessica albot version 1.0

there's an old adage that every student learns in mad science 101...

"if you can't find a good woman, build one."

the great thing about this model is the operating system engram which scours the internet for the real jessica alba's interviews and creates a composite personality based on her comments.

so the more press that she gets, the closer i am to having the real thing!

also, she doubles as an engine jack.

though, now that i think of it, some girly-parts would have been nice.

what's sharper than an architect's pencil?

answer: his sense of irony.

i was walking around the grounds at work and i pondered out loud, "why is the smokers' paddock right next to the company gym?"

to which my coworker replied, "it's the architect's idea of a sick joke."

i responded, "aaahhh... touché, i.m pei!"

not that our hq was designed by pei.

it's just that it rhymed.

nevermind.

if i was on american idol mix...

ok... indulge me.

let's pretend i had a good singing voice and made it on american idol.

here's a mix of some of the songs i would sing in no particular order (see itunes links to sample and purchase songs)

"wurlitzer prize" by waylon jennings. i love norah's pacing on this one. and if i have to do country night, i'm gonna sing real country music, not the modern pop with a steel guitar crap that passes for country today.

"who put the bomp" as performed by me first and the gimme gimmes. for 50's night. don't discount this band, the lead singer actually has a great voice.

"time after time" written by cindi lauper, as performed by eva cassidy. i'm comfortable enough in my own manhood to say that i nearly cried the first time i heard eva cassidy's version of this song..

"come together" written by the beatles funked up by the meters. because i wouldn't be there just to sing, i'd be there to blow people's minds.

"miss saturday night" by townhall. slow and earnest then funky and fun, just like me.

"possum kingdom" by the toadies. because i want to rock for once in my life.

"loves me like a rock" by paul simon. this song makes me smile when i sing it.

"soul man" by sam & dave. i've always loved this song. i karaoked (sic?) this one at a friend's wedding and had all the elderly black women cheering.

"someone to watch over me/our love is here to stay" by george gershwin. two of my most favorite gershwin songs, not a fan of elton but i really love this one.

"gavin's song" by marc broussard. for when i want to get acoustic.

"more than words" by extreme. the basic message is the time-honored "put out or get out" but for some reason most women think it's sensitive and romantic. ?!?!?!?!?

"house where nobody lives" by tom waits. a beautiful melancholy song with a profound ending verse.

my three-tiered plan is this: 1/3 classics with a twist, 1/3 funky, goofy songs, 1/3 emotional ballads that aren't celine dion.

what do you think?

enough of my friends and family are obsessive/compulsive enough to give this some serious thought.

what would your picks be? (this is noah begging for feedback)

the funniest thing i heard this week...

i was saying to two kids from my congregation how it wasn't fair that they tan so well in the summer.

they happen to be one quarter brazilian which i'm sure has nothing to do with it.

i mentioned how there was no chance of me getting a tan because of the fact that i spend most of my waking hours in-doors behind a computer monitor.

anthony said, "here's what i don't get: mason (my 11-yr-old cousin) is outdoors all the time. but when he takes his shirt off he looks like a bottle of elmer's glue."

i love mason dearly but i couldn't help but laugh.


second funniest thing i heard this week... a software review on a shareware download site that read "great program... my friend with tourette's swears by it.

karaoke: the great... satan???

i was browsing the itunes store the other day and i noticed an artist named "karaoke".

gullible fool that i am, i clicked on it.

kowinky-dink?

i think not.

fun with voicemail, part 1

i can't remember why jeremy left this message on my phone, possibly we were supposed to go get mexican.

either way it's a keeper.

jeremy reads the menu

uncle nachooooooooo!!!!

i went to see nacho libre last week and i started missing my uncle paul.

jack black will definitely have to play him in the movie adaptation of my life story.

thanks, mick o'grady... if that is your real name

last thursday i got a call out of the blue from a guy, named mick o'grady who works in my building and whom i had never met (photo to right pulled from company directory).

the following is a general transcription of that conversation.

(telephone rings)

noah: this is noah.

mick o'grady: noah. mick o'grady.

n: hi mick...

mo: do you own an ipod?

n: yes i do...

mo: i'm listening to your music library right now on itunes. where did you get "happy together" by the turtles.

n: i bought it from the itunes store.

mo: did you buy all of this music from itunes?

n: no, it's just a smattering of my collection that i brought from home.

mo: this is a great collection! i've been listening to it for the last 2 weeks and you've got a lot of great different music. is there anyway to copy your music to my ipod over the network.

n: uh... no.

mo: oh, ok. i just wanted to let you know how much i've been enjoying your collection. i'll talk to you later.

n: ok. enjoy.

(phone hangs up)

here's to you, mick o'grady. and to my irish music loving brethren everywhere.

karaoke... the great equalizer

that's david rockin' staind's "outside"

another boring day at the office

behind-the-scenes look at a video shoot that i did this past thursday.

it would take too long to explain why.

i'm in the shadows to the left.

gaaaarrrrrr.... this is why i went to college.

call u-haul...

Because according to this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly, I'm living in the wrong neighborhood.