skewed teenage priorities

last friday, i found myself 35 feet in the air on an aluminum ladder leaned against a telephone pole in the blowing wind and pouring rain.

my 15-year-old cousin was holding the ladder at the base to keep it from wobbling on me.

i had been sent out to adjust a security camera while doing some volunteer work in london, ohio.

nick, the 15-year-old, was also responsible for communicating by walkie-talkie with a guy inside the building who was giving feedback on the image adjustments.

after about 45 minutes of responses to the tune of "a little further, a little further, a little further... way too much go back." and being drenched to the bone, on top of already coming down with a cold, i was not in a very tolerant mood.

i wanted to pack this project up and get out of the rain.

while swaying in the torrential downpour, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.

i was leaned up against the ladder and looked down to see a little confusion on nick's face.

i saw him reach into his own pocket to check his own cell phone and stare around in bemusement as to what the source of the vibration was that he was feeling through the ladder.

i shouted down that it was, in fact, my phone that was vibrating the ladder.

we continued on in our frustrating task.

the lack of progress and the continuing storm was not making me any happier.

tense minutes passed as i pondered the odds of attracting a lightning bolt upon my precarious perch.

my phone rang again.

unphased, i continued on, determined to finish the job that i had been asked to perform.

my phone continued to go off.

but still i ignored it.

again it vibrated and i swore a silent curse word under my breath.

"a little more... a little more... a little more... now it's way out of focus."

my phone vibrated.

the heating unit under the lens began to burn my thumb.

my phone vibrated.

i wiped the rain from my furrowed brow.

my phone vibrated.

"a little more... a little more... go back."

my phone vibrated.

the wind was blowing so hard that i was having trouble hearing nick relay the direction from inside.

my phone vibrated.

nick screamed something at me that i couldn't understand.

my phone vibrated.

nick screamed again.

my phone vibrated.

finally, in exasperation, i looked down, cupped my hand to my ear and yelled, "what?"

nick looked up, took a deep breathe and bellowed, "aren't you going to answer that?"

other reasons i have difficulties with women

monday night i went to my friends' house and we played the disney version of the dvd/board game "scene-it."

on the second game, i won in two rounds.

any pride i would have felt in attaining victory was quickly washed away by the realization that i'm 27 years old and i know more about cartoons than any grown, straight man should.

bible passages for pervs

i was reading a portion of our scheduled bible reading this past week and it was just too funny.

the scheduled reading was the entirety of "song of solomon."

the basic gist of the book is about a young shulamite maiden and her undying love for her shepherd boy to whom she is betrothed.

king solomon takes notice of her and offers to make her his queen, such is the magnitude of her exquisite beauty.

the verses bounce back and forth between the maiden, the shepherd boy and solomon.

to make the reading a little more entertaining (and also because i'm a little sick in the head), i imagined the parts being sung as an 80's style pop ballad, specifically along the lines of lionel richie and diana ross' "endless love" duet. to complete the experience, i also envisioned an overdone sax solo between verses.

needless to say, the reading was highly entertaining and the discussion at our meeting last week was great. it's always fun to figure out who the pervs are in your congregation.

one menopausal woman was particularly outspoken about her love of the romantic passages.

my favorite part was a verse spoken by the shepherd boy to the maiden where he describes the splendor of her physical form. he describes her as a lily among thorns and compares her soft round eyes to doves. then, using an analogy which still baffles and confuses me, he tells her that her breasts are like mountain goats.

that's right mountain goats.

jokingly, i hypothetically asked my cousin what she would think if a guy conferred such a compliment upon her.

she laughed and said, "oh, i would be so turned on."

tornadic, schmornadic

god bless television meteorologists. i mean, every court needs a jester, right?

how difficult is that job? my magic 8-ball yoda toy is a more reliable weather authority.

but, this has been discussed by many a more talented and onserving comedian than i.

my true beef with weathermen (and ladies) is their use of the word "tornadic."

there was much debate at work today over whether or not this is an actual word.

i know, i know. the word is recognized and defined in both merriam-webster's and encarta's dictionaries.

la-dee-frickin'-dah.

so is the word "ain't."

that doesn't make it proper to use.

i submit to you, my faithful readers (there's more than one of you out there, right?), the following email exchange between myself and a fellow coworker.

...

from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:54 am

noah

good morning. by the way, tornadic is a legitimate word in webster's dictionary

http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/tornadic

thanks!

clay

...

from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am

you realize, of course, that you've awakened the obsessive compulsive grammar freak in me.

just because it's in the modern vulgate does not make it a proper word.

this bears further investigation.

noah

...

from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am

and investigation is good!

clay

...

from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am

etymologically speaking, tornado is an anglicized version of the Spanish word "tronada" meaning thunderstorm.

barbeque is derived from the latin american word "barbacoa," does that mean that charred items can now be described as "barbequeuic?"

avocado is a modification of the spanish "aguacate," perhaps foods that taste like avocado should now be described as "avocadic" or if there is also a hint of lemon and garlic, you could use the more specified term "guacomolic."


...

ah! to be young and obsessive-compulsive!