pun of the day

i was walking in from lunch this afternoon and i saw a co-worker carrying his lunch in to the building.

i noticed that he was going to be enjoying a little chik-fil-a action and i inquired how long it took him to go through the drive through.

you see, every day at lunch when i pass up that restaurant there are (no kidding) at least 30 cars in the drive through.

the line often wraps around the building twice.

he said that he chooses to walk in, where there is often no wait at all.

i said, "i don't get what the big deal is about that restaurant. i mean, it's just processed chicked sandwiches. it's not called 'chik-fil-a-mignon.'"

dang... i do have quite the rapier wit.

continuing a theme...

since my previous post had potty humor, i might as well tell this one.

i was visiting my sick great-grandmother in the hospital yesterday.

as i was visiting with her the nurse came in to check on her.

specifically on her waste bags.

"well..." she peaked around, "she really hasn't had a lot of output, i'm gonna wait until later to get it."

i couldn't resist, so i asked her, "do you call it 'output' at home too?"

mockingly, i yelled, "who output and forgot to flush again?"

she laughed and said, "no, i use more colorful terms with my kids."

i don't care where you're from or how old you are, poo jokes are always funny.

slammed by the mentally challenged

i mean, dang!

as if my self-esteem wasn't already low enough, i got served by a 17-yr-old mentally challenged girl.

it all started when i went to take care of my great-grandmother's dog.

she's in the hospital right now and my great-aunt has asked me to help out, which i honestly don't mind.

since her backyard touches mine, i decided to just cut through the yards and take care of this responsibility quickly.

i let the dog out the side door and quickly ran to the restroom to "drain the main vein."

by the time i got to the restroom i was starting to dance.

i had to go pretty bad so i didn't even shut the door.

i was the only person in the house so i didn't feel the need to.

however, i had this ginchy feeling that i had experienced this before.

of course, mid-stream i heard the front door open and granny's mentally-handi-capable neighbor girl walked into the house.

i quickly ceased my business and closed up shop.

"hello?!?!" shouted the neighbor girl.

i hurriedly washed my hands and responded.

i came out of the hallway and said hello to her.

"i was afraid somebody was breaking in, because, you know, miss hines is in the hospital."

being the grandson, i knew this information already.

the girl then followed me around the house asking how she was doing.

i told her that granny is not so hot because she's 98 years old and is having a very slow recovery.

returning to the present danger, she continued, "well, i had to check over here because i was afraid that somebody was breaking in, because, you know, miss hines is in the hospital and somebody could break in and steal her stuff, you know, it could be anybody breaking in to steal, like a... well, you know what a drug dealer is, right?"

i smiled and confirmed to her that i had, in fact, heard of people actually selling drugs illegally.

"yeah, it could be a drug dealer or anybody that just wants to steal..." (she paused) "i hate thieves."

i nodded my head in agreement.

i was busying myself around the house and she continued following me, talking non-stop. i'm not inclined to tell a retarded person to leave me the heck alone so i let her keep on.

i turned around in the kitchen and she was standing in front of me.

out of nowhere, she queried, "what size pants do you wear?"

i was a little thrown by this question so i kind of laughed and replied, "36."

"oh," said she. "you look like a 40."

my jaw dropped.

how do you respond to that?

i went back home and called my sister, very upset.

"jenna, guess what?" i sobbed. "granny's retarded neighbor girl call me a 'fatty mcfat-fat."

i cried myself to sleep that night.

lunch with the R&R crew

had lunch with my old coworkers today.

they miss me terribly.

:-)

any film buffs out there?

i was at work today and someone was looking up my name in the company directory on her crackberry.

i began to spell it for her and she became frustrated when she couldn't find it.

"do you even have a last name?" she asked.

"nope," i replied, "i'm like toshiro mifune in yojimbo."

i got three confused stares and then nervous laughter.

come on!

i guess they weren't kurosawa fans.

worst... logo placement... ever...

i clicked on the link to view the latest trailer on the official fantastic four movie site and this is what it displayed while the movie was loading.

i mean, the jokes just write themselves.

dayton mall adventures, part deux

wow!

here's a crazy conclusion to my bizarre experience posted below.

i was contacted last wednesday by a communications manager at orvis' corporate headquarters.

the manager's name is james hathaway and he actually called up the store that i was in to verify my story.

he apologized and offered his assistance in getting any needed photography in the future.

so here's to mr. hathaway and everyone else who works hard to make faceless corporations a little friendlier.

huzzah!