i don't know who this dude is...

but he totally shreds! i'm @ a joe bonnamossa concert. full review to come later.

best... sex talk... ever!

recently, a co-worker mentioned the groan-worthy performance that denise richards gave in her role as christmas jones in the james bond movie "the world is not enough."

as soon as he mentioned it, i recalled the best sex talk that my dad had ever had with any of us kids.

unfortunately for him, my little brother, cole, was on the receiving end of the discussion.

let me take you back to 1999.

it was my second year of art school.

the world had recently suffered the traumatic break-up of the spice girls.

the Y2K threat loomed on the horizon.

and every b-hole who thought he was clever was referencing the title of a certain prince song.

it was the summer that i would turn 20 and cole would turn 12.

i thought it would be cool to spend some time with my dad and my little brother watching a goofy james bond movie, so we made the trek to our local cinemaplex.

as far as the movie goes, i was thoroughly convinced that denise richards was a nuclear physicist and i don't understand all the haters out there who give her so much grief.

the pun that closes the movie is an eye-roller, for sure.

in a soft-focus, post-coital scene, denise richards as christmas jones exhales deeply and pierce prosnan delivers his line with gusto; "i guess they were wrong. i'd heard christmas only comes once a year."

i snickered to myself as the credits started to roll and everyone filed out of the theater.

i had imbibed a big gulp of pepsi and my bladder was ready to burst, so i quickly headed to the restroom to address this issue.

my dad said that he and cole would get the car and bring it around to the exit of the movie theater.

upon liberating myself from the 64 ounces that had been troubling me so, i rejoined my dad and brother at the previously agreed upon coordinates.

cole was in the back seat and was looking troubled, nervously staring out the window.

there was no conversation in the car as i got in and we pulled out of the parking lot.

days later, i got the scoop from my mother.

cole had confided in her that dad had felt the need to explain the meaning of pierce brosnan's final line in the movie.

"do you understand what he meant when he said that christmas had come more than once a year?" he asked my little brother as they got in the car.

in his completely innocent and slightly embarrassed twelve-year-old way, cole responded, "well, yeah... it's like... they were having sex... it was like... he was... giving her a present... like christmas."

and dad could have left him alone in his innocence but he pushed forward.

"no, son," he continued, "do you know what an orgasm is?"

it made me laugh then, and it makes me laugh now.

weekend recap

oooh, doggie!

what a weekend.

i'm attempting to type this entry with nasty poison ivy blisters between my fingers, so please don't mind any misplaced keystrokes.

...

the par-tay was at my house on saturday.

i broke out the grill and fed about 50 people, then we all went to see monty python and the holy grail at the victoria theatre.

here's the highlights:

cedric had never seen monty python before and i don't think he knew quite how to take it. but i think he enjoyed watching me laugh.

bruce did the YMCA dance to some senior citizen's awesome wurlitzer rendition of said village people tune.

my entertainment hub continues to impress with the amazing front row interface.

i will be eating leftovers for the next 2 weeks. yummy.

monica used the word "loquacious". that's at least 54 points in scrabble. most impressive.

if you were there and you've got pics, email em to me and i'll post them.

:-)

and it only took 3 years.

i finally finished painting my bathroom window. thus ending the saga of my move in 2004.

more work meeting antics

we were working on a fitness club project earlier this month and i met with 2 of the designers to discuss the graphics package.

one of the graphics was an "in session" sign that was to display the current aerobics class.

the placeholder copy featured the nike rockstar workout program.

mike, the graphic designer on the project, said sarcastically, "rockstar workout, what does that even mean?"

i responded, "it's a pretty intense program. before you start, every one does a line of coke and afterwards the groupies ask for your autograph."

i continued, "the instructor runs in front of the class and screams..." switching to my best AC/DC impression, i yelled "'HELLO, DAYTON!!! ARE YOU READY FOR SQUATS?!?!?!"

needless to say none of my bosses were in the meeting.

the joke must have been a hit because they made me repeat it later.

soy muy encantador

a friend of mine and his wife are always trying to get me to switch congregations.

it seems there is a need for spanish speaking people in the ministry work here in dayton.

everytime i see angelina, she engages me in spanish.

she told me that my spanish is surprisingly good considering the fact that my last class was over 12 years ago.

she asked if i actively used the language and i told her that other than listening to salsa music, i really don't use spanish frequently.

she asked what my favorite song was and i said, "well, 'guantanamera' is a lot of fun to sing, but my favorite is 'besame mucho' because the ladies always say," (i then switched to a girly falsetto voice) "'that's beautiful! what does it mean?'"

angelina laughed and mockingly said, "'let me tell you... no, let me SHOW YOU!"

for all you gringos out there, it means "kiss me a lot".

i'm soooo tired, i haven't slept a wink...

aaahhh... the beatles white album.

anyways...

i worked a 20 hour day on monday.

645am to 230 am.

got to bed around 330am, got up at 730am and went back to work at 830am.

man, was i draggin'.

i was going down the stairs and someone started to descend behind me at a faster rate.

i pointed my index finger, made a sweeping motion with my left arm and said, "go around."

that's how tired i was.

this man took 10 minutes to order lunch

i mean, don't all chinese carry-outs have THE EXACT SAME MENU! i can't believe i'm stuck behind this idiot.

oh snap! i got served at work

friends and readers of this humble blog already know that self-deprecation is one of the main weapons in my comedy arsenal.

to be a little psychoanalytical for a moment, i'm sure that this stems from my horrible self-image and crappy self-esteem.

i'm very uncomfortable with compliments and positive attention, so when anyone has something good to say about me, i immediately make a joke about it.

case in point, my boss was teasing me about a co-worker flirting with me.

she was giggling about it and said, "i don't know what you're doing, buddy, but you got it. all the women here love you."

sarcastically, i replied, "i think it's because i'm completely non-threatening from a sexual standpoint. i'm like an asexual teddy bear."

this caused her to stop in her tracks.

she tilted her head and pondered for a moment and said, "yeah, i think that's it."

i mean... ouch!

why can't i just be a totally vain, self-absorbed uber-hottie who can take compliments with a shallow "i know it"?

name that smell

they repainted some areas at work last night.

i think it smells like a 300 lb. man who gorged himself at a thai buffet and then immediately ran a 10K marathon.

that plus feet.

blurgh.

i'm doing my best to suppress my gag reflex.

new business venture idea

i want to go door-to-door selling "no soliciting" signs.

i see huge growth potential but i'm having issues sustaining repeat business.

nonetheless, i'm looking for investors.

today's wardrobe crisis

one of the account executives surprised me in the kitchen this morning.

she playfully pushed me from behind in a flirty/pick-a-fight-with-me way.

of course, first response was to raise my fist threateningly.

unfortunately, i forgot that i had a coffee mug in my hand and i thoroughly doused my left shoulder.

i laughed at my horrible clumsiness but now my superman shirt reeks of kona blend.

i told a coworker that i would be running home to change into my other superman shirt.

as the words were escaping my lips, i realized the absurdity of the whole thing and immediately said, "yes... i have a backup superman shirt."

my coworker asked, "for just such an occasion?"

and then added, "i'm surprised it's not under the one you're wearing now. i thought you'd just rip off the top one and there'd be a brand new one underneath."

updated:

allow me to explain the reason i have two of the same t-shirt.

several years ago, my brother had borrowed my superman t-shirt and it was missing for several months.

i would ask him and ask him for it back and he kept insisting that he didn't have it.

well, i needed to have a superman shirt to properly carry out my amazing feats of rescue and derring-do, so i bought another one.

and then 2 months later my brother found and returned the original.

and that is why i now have a back-up superman shirt.

pun of the week

i've decided to grow out my soul patch again.

last night at bible study group a woman asked why i've ventured on this amazing facial growing odyssey.

"well," i replied, " i wanted to grow the world's greatest mustache but i've decided to set my goal a little lower."

...

like actually physically lower.

...

hello?

...

is this thing on?

my amazing account service skills

wow... i just got out of a client call and i had to write about the dumbest thing i've ever said to a client in my professional career.

the client was having difficulty understanding the difference between rights-managed and royalty-free photography.

"what's the difference? why does one cost more than the other?" she asked.

one of my bosses and the account executive and another designer were in the room with me on this call and they all looked to me to explain.

"well," i began, "royalty-free images are unrestricted as far as usage is concerned. once you buy the right to use it, you can use it any way you want, anywhere you want, for as long as you want."

i continued, "whereas rights-managed images have set price parameters for different sizes, lengths of time and usage."

"for example, the same image will cost more or less depending on how many pieces are in the production run or how much of the page it occupies."

"another factor is the model and photographer release. some people may not want their images used in certain industries. like they may allow use of their image to sell cars but not for..."

my mind raced to think of a product or industry to use as a bad example.

lot's of unprofessional things came to mind in those split-seconds before i finally blurted out.

"...hemorrhoid cream."

there was a stunned silence for two seconds before my boss yelled, "WHAT!?!?! HEMORRHOID CREAM?!?!! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!?!?"

"well..." i replied. "i wouldn't want my picture used on a product like that, would you?

everyone in the room and the client on the phone lost it.

the a.e. had tears running down her face. my boss was leaned over the side of his chair cracking up.

the client on the phone was giggling away before she said, "i can't say i was expecting that, but now i won't forget the difference between them."

my boss, still laughing, responded, "it does paint a picture, doesn't it?"

we soon composed ourselves and finished the call like professionals but as soon as we hung up, i looked around the room and said, "guys, i'm so sorry. i don't know where that one came from."

we then allowed ourselves the opportunity to get all the laughter out.

maybe this is why i haven't stayed in one place for very long in my career.

i always end up saying something stupid and having to move on, lest i be forced to relive my embarassments over and over during the countless retellings by fellow employees.

my cheeks still hurt.