best... sex talk... ever!

recently, a co-worker mentioned the groan-worthy performance that denise richards gave in her role as christmas jones in the james bond movie "the world is not enough."

as soon as he mentioned it, i recalled the best sex talk that my dad had ever had with any of us kids.

unfortunately for him, my little brother, cole, was on the receiving end of the discussion.

let me take you back to 1999.

it was my second year of art school.

the world had recently suffered the traumatic break-up of the spice girls.

the Y2K threat loomed on the horizon.

and every b-hole who thought he was clever was referencing the title of a certain prince song.

it was the summer that i would turn 20 and cole would turn 12.

i thought it would be cool to spend some time with my dad and my little brother watching a goofy james bond movie, so we made the trek to our local cinemaplex.

as far as the movie goes, i was thoroughly convinced that denise richards was a nuclear physicist and i don't understand all the haters out there who give her so much grief.

the pun that closes the movie is an eye-roller, for sure.

in a soft-focus, post-coital scene, denise richards as christmas jones exhales deeply and pierce prosnan delivers his line with gusto; "i guess they were wrong. i'd heard christmas only comes once a year."

i snickered to myself as the credits started to roll and everyone filed out of the theater.

i had imbibed a big gulp of pepsi and my bladder was ready to burst, so i quickly headed to the restroom to address this issue.

my dad said that he and cole would get the car and bring it around to the exit of the movie theater.

upon liberating myself from the 64 ounces that had been troubling me so, i rejoined my dad and brother at the previously agreed upon coordinates.

cole was in the back seat and was looking troubled, nervously staring out the window.

there was no conversation in the car as i got in and we pulled out of the parking lot.

days later, i got the scoop from my mother.

cole had confided in her that dad had felt the need to explain the meaning of pierce brosnan's final line in the movie.

"do you understand what he meant when he said that christmas had come more than once a year?" he asked my little brother as they got in the car.

in his completely innocent and slightly embarrassed twelve-year-old way, cole responded, "well, yeah... it's like... they were having sex... it was like... he was... giving her a present... like christmas."

and dad could have left him alone in his innocence but he pushed forward.

"no, son," he continued, "do you know what an orgasm is?"

it made me laugh then, and it makes me laugh now.