i should NOT be trusted with this

i got to drive around a 2007 BMW 550i for a day.

we were using it in a video shoot.

holy crap. this was waaaaaaaay too much car for me.

the day started with a 5-alarm fire emergency video shoot that i had to set up to begin at 9am.

this irked me slightly because the video shoot that involved the car was scheduled for 1030am.

this was going to make for a very rushed tear down at the studio and an equally hurried set-up at the parking garage where we were to film.

well, the 9am shoot fell through around 830am (just after i completed set-up for it, of course) and my boss suggested that i run to pick up the BMW at the dealership.

enjoying this little perk of the job, i quickly agreed.

as the morning had been quite rushed, i ran to my car and made the 20 minute drive down the highway to the dealership.

my mind had been on 15 different things all day and about half a mile from the dealership, i had an incredibly sinking realization that hadn't entered into my brain until then...

i can't drive a stick.

go ahead, laugh. i simply have never had the opportunity to learn.

i prayed the for the rest of the two minutes to the dealership.

it would not bode well if i had to call my boss to send out another driver.

sheepishly, i entered the dealership.

i put on my best brave face and said to the nearest salesman, "hi. i'm noah. i'm here to pick up a car for a videoshoot."

"sure thing." said the salesman. as he lead me to the rear of the dealership, he went into instant sales mode.

he began describing all of the luxurious features of the car.

i casually looked in the passenger side mirror and saw the gearshift with the familiar leather shift cover and white knob lettering on the floor.

"crap." i said out loud. "i can't drive a stick."

"no biggie," said the salesman, "it's an automatic."

"OH THANK GOD!" i sighed and blurted out.

"all i need is your license and a copy of your insurance card and we'll get you to sign some test-drive papers." he tried his best to smile, but i could tell that he was clearly unimpressed with my manhood.

i handed him the proper cards and trying to make with the funny, said, "yeah, i'm insured for a cavalier."

he was not amused.

i filled out the paperwork and he handed me a keychain with a strang cylindrical fob on it.

"let me show you how to start the car." he said with much disdain in his voice. as far as he was concerned i was not man enough to drive his kid's powerwheel, much less this fine piece of german engineering.

he pointed to the fob in my hands. "THAT is the key to the car. insert it into the slot here." he pointed under the wheel to the right where we simple plebians would never have looked. "to start the car, hold down the brake and push the 'start engine' button. to shut off the car, push the 'stop engine' button, push the key in and pull it out of the slot."

i held down the brake pedal and pushed the button. the car roared to life. the display panels lit up like the rockefeller plaza christmas tree. the radio blasted my ear canals with the dulcet tones of dayton's best corporate owned pop music station.

"now let me walk you through the navigation system." the salesman continued, "this is the main menu screen," he pointed to the in-dash display. "if at any time you wish to return to this menu, simply press the menu button three times. if you select the option on the right, it will show you a real-time map with your exact GPS coordinates. to zoom into street level, twist the knob clockwise. to pull out to city level twist it counter-clockwise."

"how do you turn off the radio?" i shouted.

"let me do that for you." he said as he pressed yet another button.

"do i need to know the navigation system to drive the car?" i asked.

"not really." he said with disappointment. he had given up any hope of the sale by this point.

"where's the seat controls" i asked.

with a dispondent sigh, he muttered, "on the lower left side of your seat."

i looked down to see not one, not two, but FOUR buttons to adjust the seat.

i adjusted the seat forward and then accidentally hit a button that activated the shiatsu massage feature.

this i quickly turned off because i did NOT want to be that relaxed in this very expensive, BORROWED car.

as i pulled back into work, i looked at the price tag.

$68 thousand smackaroos.

about 60 thousand more than what i had paid for my car.

i could go on but i'm preparing for another exciting work shoot.

enjoy the rest of the pics.