last friday, i found myself 35 feet in the air on an aluminum ladder leaned against a telephone pole in the blowing wind and pouring rain.
my 15-year-old cousin was holding the ladder at the base to keep it from wobbling on me.
i had been sent out to adjust a security camera while doing some volunteer work in london, ohio.
nick, the 15-year-old, was also responsible for communicating by walkie-talkie with a guy inside the building who was giving feedback on the image adjustments.
after about 45 minutes of responses to the tune of "a little further, a little further, a little further... way too much go back." and being drenched to the bone, on top of already coming down with a cold, i was not in a very tolerant mood.
i wanted to pack this project up and get out of the rain.
while swaying in the torrential downpour, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.
i was leaned up against the ladder and looked down to see a little confusion on nick's face.
i saw him reach into his own pocket to check his own cell phone and stare around in bemusement as to what the source of the vibration was that he was feeling through the ladder.
i shouted down that it was, in fact, my phone that was vibrating the ladder.
we continued on in our frustrating task.
the lack of progress and the continuing storm was not making me any happier.
tense minutes passed as i pondered the odds of attracting a lightning bolt upon my precarious perch.
my phone rang again.
unphased, i continued on, determined to finish the job that i had been asked to perform.
my phone continued to go off.
but still i ignored it.
again it vibrated and i swore a silent curse word under my breath.
"a little more... a little more... a little more... now it's way out of focus."
my phone vibrated.
the heating unit under the lens began to burn my thumb.
my phone vibrated.
i wiped the rain from my furrowed brow.
my phone vibrated.
"a little more... a little more... go back."
my phone vibrated.
the wind was blowing so hard that i was having trouble hearing nick relay the direction from inside.
my phone vibrated.
nick screamed something at me that i couldn't understand.
my phone vibrated.
nick screamed again.
my phone vibrated.
finally, in exasperation, i looked down, cupped my hand to my ear and yelled, "what?"
nick looked up, took a deep breathe and bellowed, "aren't you going to answer that?"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
other reasons i have difficulties with women
monday night i went to my friends' house and we played the disney version of the dvd/board game "scene-it."on the second game, i won in two rounds.
any pride i would have felt in attaining victory was quickly washed away by the realization that i'm 27 years old and i know more about cartoons than any grown, straight man should.
Monday, December 04, 2006
bible passages for pervs
i was reading a portion of our scheduled bible reading this past week and it was just too funny.
the scheduled reading was the entirety of "song of solomon."
the basic gist of the book is about a young shulamite maiden and her undying love for her shepherd boy to whom she is betrothed.
king solomon takes notice of her and offers to make her his queen, such is the magnitude of her exquisite beauty.
the verses bounce back and forth between the maiden, the shepherd boy and solomon.
to make the reading a little more entertaining (and also because i'm a little sick in the head), i imagined the parts being sung as an 80's style pop ballad, specifically along the lines of lionel richie and diana ross' "endless love" duet. to complete the experience, i also envisioned an overdone sax solo between verses.
needless to say, the reading was highly entertaining and the discussion at our meeting last week was great. it's always fun to figure out who the pervs are in your congregation.
one menopausal woman was particularly outspoken about her love of the romantic passages.
my favorite part was a verse spoken by the shepherd boy to the maiden where he describes the splendor of her physical form. he describes her as a lily among thorns and compares her soft round eyes to doves. then, using an analogy which still baffles and confuses me, he tells her that her breasts are like mountain goats.
that's right mountain goats.
jokingly, i hypothetically asked my cousin what she would think if a guy conferred such a compliment upon her.
she laughed and said, "oh, i would be so turned on."
the scheduled reading was the entirety of "song of solomon."
the basic gist of the book is about a young shulamite maiden and her undying love for her shepherd boy to whom she is betrothed.
king solomon takes notice of her and offers to make her his queen, such is the magnitude of her exquisite beauty.
the verses bounce back and forth between the maiden, the shepherd boy and solomon.
to make the reading a little more entertaining (and also because i'm a little sick in the head), i imagined the parts being sung as an 80's style pop ballad, specifically along the lines of lionel richie and diana ross' "endless love" duet. to complete the experience, i also envisioned an overdone sax solo between verses.
needless to say, the reading was highly entertaining and the discussion at our meeting last week was great. it's always fun to figure out who the pervs are in your congregation.one menopausal woman was particularly outspoken about her love of the romantic passages.
my favorite part was a verse spoken by the shepherd boy to the maiden where he describes the splendor of her physical form. he describes her as a lily among thorns and compares her soft round eyes to doves. then, using an analogy which still baffles and confuses me, he tells her that her breasts are like mountain goats.
that's right mountain goats.
jokingly, i hypothetically asked my cousin what she would think if a guy conferred such a compliment upon her.
she laughed and said, "oh, i would be so turned on."
Friday, December 01, 2006
tornadic, schmornadic
god bless television meteorologists. i mean, every court needs a jester, right?
how difficult is that job? my magic 8-ball yoda toy is a more reliable weather authority.
but, this has been discussed by many a more talented and onserving comedian than i.
my true beef with weathermen (and ladies) is their use of the word "tornadic."
there was much debate at work today over whether or not this is an actual word.
i know, i know. the word is recognized and defined in both merriam-webster's and encarta's dictionaries.
la-dee-frickin'-dah.
so is the word "ain't."
that doesn't make it proper to use.
i submit to you, my faithful readers (there's more than one of you out there, right?), the following email exchange between myself and a fellow coworker.
...
from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:54 am
noah
good morning. by the way, tornadic is a legitimate word in webster's dictionary
http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/tornadic
thanks!
clay
...
from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
you realize, of course, that you've awakened the obsessive compulsive grammar freak in me.
just because it's in the modern vulgate does not make it a proper word.
this bears further investigation.
noah
...
from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
and investigation is good!
clay
...
from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
etymologically speaking, tornado is an anglicized version of the Spanish word "tronada" meaning thunderstorm.
barbeque is derived from the latin american word "barbacoa," does that mean that charred items can now be described as "barbequeuic?"
avocado is a modification of the spanish "aguacate," perhaps foods that taste like avocado should now be described as "avocadic" or if there is also a hint of lemon and garlic, you could use the more specified term "guacomolic."
...
ah! to be young and obsessive-compulsive!
how difficult is that job? my magic 8-ball yoda toy is a more reliable weather authority.
but, this has been discussed by many a more talented and onserving comedian than i.
my true beef with weathermen (and ladies) is their use of the word "tornadic."
there was much debate at work today over whether or not this is an actual word.
i know, i know. the word is recognized and defined in both merriam-webster's and encarta's dictionaries.
la-dee-frickin'-dah.
so is the word "ain't."
that doesn't make it proper to use.
i submit to you, my faithful readers (there's more than one of you out there, right?), the following email exchange between myself and a fellow coworker.
...
from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:54 am
noah
good morning. by the way, tornadic is a legitimate word in webster's dictionary
http://www.m-w.com/dictionary/tornadic
thanks!
clay
...
from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
you realize, of course, that you've awakened the obsessive compulsive grammar freak in me.
just because it's in the modern vulgate does not make it a proper word.
this bears further investigation.
noah
...
from: clay
to: noah
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
and investigation is good!
clay
...
from: noah
to: clay
subject: by the way...
sent: friday, december 01, 2006 9:56 am
etymologically speaking, tornado is an anglicized version of the Spanish word "tronada" meaning thunderstorm.
barbeque is derived from the latin american word "barbacoa," does that mean that charred items can now be described as "barbequeuic?"
avocado is a modification of the spanish "aguacate," perhaps foods that taste like avocado should now be described as "avocadic" or if there is also a hint of lemon and garlic, you could use the more specified term "guacomolic."
...
ah! to be young and obsessive-compulsive!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
funniest thing i've heard this week
my sister and brother-in-law were visiting from out of town this past week and some of his friends came in from celina to go out to eat with us.
they also had relatives who were visiting so we all decided to hit a local thai restaurant.
first thing's first: possibly the best won ton soup i've ever had in my life there (and i've consumed a bit in my time).
secondly, i'm glad i'm not, nor have i ever been a stupid teenage guy who feels the need to prove his masculinity to all around him.
i watched as two kids raced to finish their number 12 (the spiciest in the menu) thai chicken.
these guys had sweat absolutely poring down their faces. each only stopping for water, breathe or the occasional forehead and nose wipe.
i remain mystified as to the relationship between accomplishing this sophomoric feat and the size of one's manhood.
...
so here's the funniest thing.
one of the little kids in the group, a five year old named landon, was walking around with a model ferrari in his hands.
since i always enjoy messing with kids, i got his attention and enquired about the toy.
he informed me that it was a ferrari and that it was very fast.
i asked him if it was the kind of car that he was going to drive when he grows up.
in a matter-of-fact way, he said, "nope. i'm gonna drive a dodge diesel truck."
i then furthered the questioning, "but what if you wan't to go really fast, like lightning mcqueen?"
he pondered this for a while and choosing his words carefully, said, "well... maybe... i would have both... a lightning mcqueen car AND a diesel truck."
continuing on with the interrogation, i asked, "but what if you want to take all of your friends out? would you also get a minivan?"
he screwed his face up at the sheer audacity of my question. "NO!" he said emphatically, "minivans are JUNK!!!"
enjoying the reaction, i pursued the subject, "you know what would be even better for hauling all your friends around? a schoolbus! don't you want one of those?"
his repugnance of the thought again showed all over his face. "NO WAY!!! they're junk too!!!"
"but what if you got a really cool paint job on it, like dragons and flames? would you drive it then?"
"no!"
"what if you could put a tv and couches in it?"
"nope!"
"what if you could put a playground and jungle gym inside?"
he paused.
"would it have mulch on the floor too?"
"not the stinky kind." i replied, as if this would be the deciding factor.
pursuing the thought further, i asked, "what if you could get one with a pool inside and a slide and a diving board? would you drive a bus then?"
"yeeaaahhh..." he said, warming to the thought. "then you could pee in your car and noone would notice!"
i laughed so loud that i think the entire restaurant turned to look at me.
they also had relatives who were visiting so we all decided to hit a local thai restaurant.
first thing's first: possibly the best won ton soup i've ever had in my life there (and i've consumed a bit in my time).
secondly, i'm glad i'm not, nor have i ever been a stupid teenage guy who feels the need to prove his masculinity to all around him.
i watched as two kids raced to finish their number 12 (the spiciest in the menu) thai chicken.
these guys had sweat absolutely poring down their faces. each only stopping for water, breathe or the occasional forehead and nose wipe.
i remain mystified as to the relationship between accomplishing this sophomoric feat and the size of one's manhood.
...
so here's the funniest thing.
one of the little kids in the group, a five year old named landon, was walking around with a model ferrari in his hands.
since i always enjoy messing with kids, i got his attention and enquired about the toy.
he informed me that it was a ferrari and that it was very fast.
i asked him if it was the kind of car that he was going to drive when he grows up.
in a matter-of-fact way, he said, "nope. i'm gonna drive a dodge diesel truck."
i then furthered the questioning, "but what if you wan't to go really fast, like lightning mcqueen?"
he pondered this for a while and choosing his words carefully, said, "well... maybe... i would have both... a lightning mcqueen car AND a diesel truck."
continuing on with the interrogation, i asked, "but what if you want to take all of your friends out? would you also get a minivan?"
he screwed his face up at the sheer audacity of my question. "NO!" he said emphatically, "minivans are JUNK!!!"
enjoying the reaction, i pursued the subject, "you know what would be even better for hauling all your friends around? a schoolbus! don't you want one of those?"
his repugnance of the thought again showed all over his face. "NO WAY!!! they're junk too!!!"
"but what if you got a really cool paint job on it, like dragons and flames? would you drive it then?"
"no!"
"what if you could put a tv and couches in it?"
"nope!"
"what if you could put a playground and jungle gym inside?"
he paused.
"would it have mulch on the floor too?"
"not the stinky kind." i replied, as if this would be the deciding factor.
pursuing the thought further, i asked, "what if you could get one with a pool inside and a slide and a diving board? would you drive a bus then?"
"yeeaaahhh..." he said, warming to the thought. "then you could pee in your car and noone would notice!"
i laughed so loud that i think the entire restaurant turned to look at me.
least romantic proposal ever...
i was out eating lunch at a cheap Mexican restaurant with a large group of people last friday, when it happened.
the group consisted of my mom, sister and cousin, my cousin's super cute roommate, their friend tiffany and her husband, matt, tiffany's mom and her mom's friend, nancy.
we were generally being silly and enjoying ourselves when tiffany, paraphrasing the book of genesis, said, "thus noah and all who were with him were saved; eight souls in all."
she then jokingly asked, "so noah, there's nine of us here. who would you choose to save if there was another flood?"
approaching the joke in a very analytical manner, I gave her a serious answer.
"well," i replied, "if we're assuming that the earth needs to be repopulated then matt and myself, being the only males, are automatically in, and since you're his wife, you would be included as well."
tiffany's eyes got pretty big and, smiling, she said. "there's only so many women at this table that you're not related to..."
in response i turned to my cousin's cute roommate and said the words that every young woman hopes to hear a man say...
"well, looks like you're it by default."
...
it wasn't the most egregious error that i've ever made when it comes to the opposite sex, it just happens to be the most recent.
the group consisted of my mom, sister and cousin, my cousin's super cute roommate, their friend tiffany and her husband, matt, tiffany's mom and her mom's friend, nancy.
we were generally being silly and enjoying ourselves when tiffany, paraphrasing the book of genesis, said, "thus noah and all who were with him were saved; eight souls in all."
she then jokingly asked, "so noah, there's nine of us here. who would you choose to save if there was another flood?"
approaching the joke in a very analytical manner, I gave her a serious answer.
"well," i replied, "if we're assuming that the earth needs to be repopulated then matt and myself, being the only males, are automatically in, and since you're his wife, you would be included as well."
tiffany's eyes got pretty big and, smiling, she said. "there's only so many women at this table that you're not related to..."
in response i turned to my cousin's cute roommate and said the words that every young woman hopes to hear a man say...
"well, looks like you're it by default."
...
it wasn't the most egregious error that i've ever made when it comes to the opposite sex, it just happens to be the most recent.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
i'm bringing moderately attractive back
another quick story from puerto rico...to the right is a photo of me with two of the staff members at the ranch where i was filming atv, horseback riding and mountain biking for about four days straight. their names are alejandro and liz.
on the second to last day, i wasn't sure if i would be back again, so i was saying goodbye to all of the staff.
they had all been so accommodating and had helped me get some amazing footage, which in turn made me look good in front of my boss.
i did the manly shake hands and hug thing with alejandro and told him that if, for some strange reason, he was ever lost in dayton, ohio, that he could crash at my house.
i turned to liz, shook her hand and leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek. she returned the gesture and i told her how awesome she and her coworkers had been.
of course, one of the atv guides named sammy, could not let this friendly gesture go without making a sarcastic remark to liz in spanish.
i knew it was about me because i heard the spanish word for "kiss" and sensed the generally smart-alec tone of his comment.
i completely understood her response in spanish, which was, "he doesn't want to kiss you, you're an ugly boy."
to which i added, "si, no beso para ti."
he laughed and said, "awww, no kiss for me?"
sidenote: it's overcast and forty frickin' degrees in dayton right now.
Monday, November 13, 2006
puerto rico - recap
holy moses!
what a surreal week it's been.
i'm in the hot-lanta airport trying to collect my thoughts but everything is such a blur.
maybe if i work backwards.
in the san juan airport, i got to stand behind a couple of real american b-holes who were angry at the world because they got to the airport late and felt that they shouldn't have to stand in line with everybody else.
an amazing string of highly uncreative expletives was coming out of the husband's mouth.
as he was telling the entire island of puerto rico to have sex with itself, i decided that I wasn't going to let this jerk ruin my trip so I cranked up the old ipod and totally tuned him out.
in actuality, we were only in line for a sum total of 20 minutes but then we he was told that he couldn't carry his big gulp past the screening area, he blew up and threw the drinks at the trash can, letting them explode soda and ice all over the floor.
he then blasted out the queen mother of all curse words no less that one dozen times to the crowd around him and the airport staff in particular.
a large black woman with a southern accent spoke aloud what everybody else was thinking. "that ain't gonna get you on the plane any faster."
on the plane, i was seated next to a serious chatter.
now i'm not going to cast the first stone when it comes to being talkative but good lord!
so many unfiltered thoughts escaped her lips that i began to wonder if she had some form of tourette's.
"is that one of those ipods? are you watching a movie on it? is that from a tv? can you watch survivor on that?"
even while talking to the stewardess, she continued to talk at me.
i seriously needed to be inebriated if this was to continue so i ordered a dirty martini on the rocks from the drink cart.
"why is it called a dirty martini?" she asked, "and who do you think was the first person to call ice 'rocks'?"
at that point I pulled on my headphones. it had worked for the ugly american in san juan, I was sure that it would filter out this walking brain drip.
...
before leaving the resort, i had my first spa massage complements of my boss for all of the hard work that I had done this week.
the masseuse seemed to be a pretty cool guy and i had a pretty good conversation with him. he told me that he was recently divorced but was dating a local girl who was also a salsa instructor.
i shared my similar taste in beautiful latin women with him and described one that I had seen in san juan a few days prior.
she was walking through the town square at noon looking ready for the clubs. she was wearing a yellow, form-fitting sun dress and completely working everything she had; long raven hair, full supple lips and a shake that made me wonder if it would be accompanied by french fries.
"just another ugly puerto rican girl." said the masseuse.
...
hopefully i will get stills of the video that I shot this week.
vaya con dios, faithful readers.
what a surreal week it's been.
i'm in the hot-lanta airport trying to collect my thoughts but everything is such a blur.
maybe if i work backwards.
in the san juan airport, i got to stand behind a couple of real american b-holes who were angry at the world because they got to the airport late and felt that they shouldn't have to stand in line with everybody else.
an amazing string of highly uncreative expletives was coming out of the husband's mouth.
as he was telling the entire island of puerto rico to have sex with itself, i decided that I wasn't going to let this jerk ruin my trip so I cranked up the old ipod and totally tuned him out.
in actuality, we were only in line for a sum total of 20 minutes but then we he was told that he couldn't carry his big gulp past the screening area, he blew up and threw the drinks at the trash can, letting them explode soda and ice all over the floor.
he then blasted out the queen mother of all curse words no less that one dozen times to the crowd around him and the airport staff in particular.
a large black woman with a southern accent spoke aloud what everybody else was thinking. "that ain't gonna get you on the plane any faster."
on the plane, i was seated next to a serious chatter.
now i'm not going to cast the first stone when it comes to being talkative but good lord!
so many unfiltered thoughts escaped her lips that i began to wonder if she had some form of tourette's.
"is that one of those ipods? are you watching a movie on it? is that from a tv? can you watch survivor on that?"
even while talking to the stewardess, she continued to talk at me.
i seriously needed to be inebriated if this was to continue so i ordered a dirty martini on the rocks from the drink cart.
"why is it called a dirty martini?" she asked, "and who do you think was the first person to call ice 'rocks'?"
at that point I pulled on my headphones. it had worked for the ugly american in san juan, I was sure that it would filter out this walking brain drip.
...
before leaving the resort, i had my first spa massage complements of my boss for all of the hard work that I had done this week.
the masseuse seemed to be a pretty cool guy and i had a pretty good conversation with him. he told me that he was recently divorced but was dating a local girl who was also a salsa instructor.
i shared my similar taste in beautiful latin women with him and described one that I had seen in san juan a few days prior.
she was walking through the town square at noon looking ready for the clubs. she was wearing a yellow, form-fitting sun dress and completely working everything she had; long raven hair, full supple lips and a shake that made me wonder if it would be accompanied by french fries.
"just another ugly puerto rican girl." said the masseuse.
...
hopefully i will get stills of the video that I shot this week.
vaya con dios, faithful readers.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
puerto rico - day 7: ¡mis pies estan hachicharo!
in english: my feet are fried!
unfortunately, my camera card went wonky on me and i lost all of my shot that i had taken for personal use.
but let me tell you, we had an event on a private island today and it was absolutely amazing.
i got to go parasailing and went up with my dvcaam from work. i got some pretty cool shots.
when i got back to the beach, i high-fived my boss and thanked him for my job.
hopefully, i'll be able to pull some stills from my video stuff.
when i got back to my room that night i noticed my feet were beginning to hurt.
i had put sunscreen on but hadn't considered that wading in ankle deep water would wash it off.
the rest of my legs aren't burnt.
see horrible image below.
unfortunately, my camera card went wonky on me and i lost all of my shot that i had taken for personal use.
but let me tell you, we had an event on a private island today and it was absolutely amazing.
i got to go parasailing and went up with my dvcaam from work. i got some pretty cool shots.
when i got back to the beach, i high-fived my boss and thanked him for my job.
hopefully, i'll be able to pull some stills from my video stuff.
when i got back to my room that night i noticed my feet were beginning to hurt.
i had put sunscreen on but hadn't considered that wading in ankle deep water would wash it off.
the rest of my legs aren't burnt.
see horrible image below.
bad pun of the month (belated)
i wish i could claim this one.
a few weeks ago i was having dinner with a group of friends when a 15-yr-old kid pulled out his ipod nano.
being an early adopter of the technology and also a serious music collector, i asked to see what he had.
the entire group began discussing music and i highly recommended sting's new album of 16th century lute music.
see itunes link here.
out of the blue, this kid says, "so when sting retires is he going to change his name to stung?"
to greg and to bad pun enthusiastic throughout the world.
a few weeks ago i was having dinner with a group of friends when a 15-yr-old kid pulled out his ipod nano.
being an early adopter of the technology and also a serious music collector, i asked to see what he had.
the entire group began discussing music and i highly recommended sting's new album of 16th century lute music.
see itunes link here.
out of the blue, this kid says, "so when sting retires is he going to change his name to stung?"
to greg and to bad pun enthusiastic throughout the world.
puerto rico - day 4
i thought i'd upload a little panoramic shot from my hotel room.
i tried posting from my phone but i get no pix messaging down here.
puerto rico - day 3
as I walked down to the meeting hall in the resort this morning an old crone yelled at me, "beware the ides of november."
this being latin america and neither a shakespearean tragedy nor the middle of the month, I shrugged her silly comment off.
oh that I would have listened to her message of doom, because I was not prepared for today.
the morning started off fine enough. we put on a good meeting and I successfully performed all of my required duties. (see image to the right of our awesome stage set-up)
i was then assigned to follow a group to hike through the rain forest.
the only caveat was that my boss didn't want me to be off site for the entire tour.
he suggested that I request a ride back on the bus after getting the desired shots.
unfortunately, for safety's sake, the bus had to remain at the tour site, in case emergency transport was needed.
i relayed this to my boss and he asked me to follow up to see if I could get a driver to take me out in a chase vehicle.
this took some doing and about a half hour before the tour was to leave, we got the cost estimate in.
$400 smackaroos.
my boss, eager to keep costs down, declined this option and then said, "let's see if we can get the loaner SUV that the company has on site for you to follow behind them."
what I understood that to mean was that he would locate the vehicle for me since he was in the staging office and I was at the front entry way.
i was wrong.
i waited until all the sales reps were on the bus and called my boss back.
"just checking on the status of the SUV." I said.
"you were supposed to get that." He replied.
"sh*t. I am SO sorry." Was my response.
what else could I say?
...
and that was only the beginning.
i'll give you the bullet points
- mucho difficulty uploading meeting video files, including accidental unplugging and battery death while uploading, then a copy-status window that read 5-minutes remaining for over 20 minutes.
- manager stress at the spa where I was shooting walk-ins and -outs, because when you have a camcorder and you're hanging outside a spa and you look like me, you tend to get people asking you to get the heck away.
- a near-missed second video shoot at the beach. (I was told that the ferry went out every half-hour. And I arrived 12 minutes after the last one had left.)
- last minute background music request with none of the appropriate music loaded to my ipod.
and now it's 1am and i'm sitting at a hotel bar with three vodka and cranberries in me trying to get the adrenalin to slow down.
and a 7am call for tomorrow morning.
on the plus side, my boss thanked me for all my hard work before he turned in for the night.
i talked to my mom earlier tonight and she asked if I was getting to enjoy any personal time on this trip.
i told her that it was all about perspective.
i'm working in puerto rico eyeing a bevy of attractive latin women while generally running around and doing non-office related work.
it's not MY vacation but it sure beats dayton.
---
Updated:
I just realized that I'm at a bar in Puerto rico and I'm drinking alone updating my blog.
My two readers better enjoy my dedication to this stupid thing.
this being latin america and neither a shakespearean tragedy nor the middle of the month, I shrugged her silly comment off.
oh that I would have listened to her message of doom, because I was not prepared for today.
the morning started off fine enough. we put on a good meeting and I successfully performed all of my required duties. (see image to the right of our awesome stage set-up)i was then assigned to follow a group to hike through the rain forest.
the only caveat was that my boss didn't want me to be off site for the entire tour.
he suggested that I request a ride back on the bus after getting the desired shots.
unfortunately, for safety's sake, the bus had to remain at the tour site, in case emergency transport was needed.
i relayed this to my boss and he asked me to follow up to see if I could get a driver to take me out in a chase vehicle.
this took some doing and about a half hour before the tour was to leave, we got the cost estimate in.
$400 smackaroos.
my boss, eager to keep costs down, declined this option and then said, "let's see if we can get the loaner SUV that the company has on site for you to follow behind them."
what I understood that to mean was that he would locate the vehicle for me since he was in the staging office and I was at the front entry way.
i was wrong.
i waited until all the sales reps were on the bus and called my boss back.
"just checking on the status of the SUV." I said.
"you were supposed to get that." He replied.
"sh*t. I am SO sorry." Was my response.
what else could I say?
...
and that was only the beginning.
i'll give you the bullet points
- mucho difficulty uploading meeting video files, including accidental unplugging and battery death while uploading, then a copy-status window that read 5-minutes remaining for over 20 minutes.
- manager stress at the spa where I was shooting walk-ins and -outs, because when you have a camcorder and you're hanging outside a spa and you look like me, you tend to get people asking you to get the heck away.
- a near-missed second video shoot at the beach. (I was told that the ferry went out every half-hour. And I arrived 12 minutes after the last one had left.)
- last minute background music request with none of the appropriate music loaded to my ipod.
and now it's 1am and i'm sitting at a hotel bar with three vodka and cranberries in me trying to get the adrenalin to slow down.
and a 7am call for tomorrow morning.
on the plus side, my boss thanked me for all my hard work before he turned in for the night.
i talked to my mom earlier tonight and she asked if I was getting to enjoy any personal time on this trip.
i told her that it was all about perspective.
i'm working in puerto rico eyeing a bevy of attractive latin women while generally running around and doing non-office related work.
it's not MY vacation but it sure beats dayton.
---
Updated:
I just realized that I'm at a bar in Puerto rico and I'm drinking alone updating my blog.
My two readers better enjoy my dedication to this stupid thing.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
a chance encounter in the mythical city of atlanta
ah... atlanta!
my favorite ancient underwater civilization with both a coke plant and a delta hub.
the strangest thing happened while waiting for my flight out to san juan.
i was reading a religious journal and the woman across from me recognized it and casually showed me that she had the same one.
we quickly struck up a conversation.
i asked where she and her family was from and what congregation she attended.
she replied that they were from colorado but originally from pennsylvania.
i enquired which part, as i am also from the keystone state.
she said pittsburgh, to which i said, "me too!"
she asked what part, to which i replied "beltzhoover, on the south side."
she said that they had moved 10 years ago. i told her that we had moved to ohio almost 20 years ago.
i told her which congregation we used to attend, to which she exclaimed, "my parents go to that congregation!"
she asked if i knew a certain man who has lived in that area and attended the same congregation for many, many years.
"of course, i know bob!" i replied.
"he performed our marriage ceremony!" she said, pointing to her husband.
"he performed my mom and dad's!" i said in disbelief.
"who are your parents?" she asked.
when i gave the names, her jaw dropped. "my sister and your mom were best friends in high school."
"waitaminute," i said, "YOU'RE amy's sister?!?!?! my mom named my little sister after her!"
"and YOU'RE peggy's grandson! she gave me the most beautiful crib for my first son." she pointed at the man sitting next to me. "i then gave it to your mom when she became pregnant with her first son."
"she still has that crib." i said. "in fact, all of us kids used."
i looked at her son sitting next to me, who was now a grown man.
"dude," i muttered. "we slept in the very same crib as babies."
i then called my mom and handed the phone to her long lost friend.
we exchanged info and they invited me to stay with them in colorado near the resort that their family manages.
i remain dumbfounded even as i type.
my favorite ancient underwater civilization with both a coke plant and a delta hub.
the strangest thing happened while waiting for my flight out to san juan.
i was reading a religious journal and the woman across from me recognized it and casually showed me that she had the same one.
we quickly struck up a conversation.
i asked where she and her family was from and what congregation she attended.
she replied that they were from colorado but originally from pennsylvania.
i enquired which part, as i am also from the keystone state.
she said pittsburgh, to which i said, "me too!"
she asked what part, to which i replied "beltzhoover, on the south side."
she said that they had moved 10 years ago. i told her that we had moved to ohio almost 20 years ago.
i told her which congregation we used to attend, to which she exclaimed, "my parents go to that congregation!"
she asked if i knew a certain man who has lived in that area and attended the same congregation for many, many years.
"of course, i know bob!" i replied.
"he performed our marriage ceremony!" she said, pointing to her husband.
"he performed my mom and dad's!" i said in disbelief.
"who are your parents?" she asked.
when i gave the names, her jaw dropped. "my sister and your mom were best friends in high school."
"waitaminute," i said, "YOU'RE amy's sister?!?!?! my mom named my little sister after her!"
"and YOU'RE peggy's grandson! she gave me the most beautiful crib for my first son." she pointed at the man sitting next to me. "i then gave it to your mom when she became pregnant with her first son."
"she still has that crib." i said. "in fact, all of us kids used."
i looked at her son sitting next to me, who was now a grown man.
"dude," i muttered. "we slept in the very same crib as babies."
i then called my mom and handed the phone to her long lost friend.
we exchanged info and they invited me to stay with them in colorado near the resort that their family manages.
i remain dumbfounded even as i type.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
i should NOT be trusted with this
i got to drive around a 2007 BMW 550i for a day.
we were using it in a video shoot.
holy crap. this was waaaaaaaay too much car for me.
the day started with a 5-alarm fire emergency video shoot that i had to set up to begin at 9am.
this irked me slightly because the video shoot that involved the car was scheduled for 1030am.
this was going to make for a very rushed tear down at the studio and an equally hurried set-up at the parking garage where we were to film.
well, the 9am shoot fell through around 830am (just after i completed set-up for it, of course) and my boss suggested that i run to pick up the BMW at the dealership.
enjoying this little perk of the job, i quickly agreed.
as the morning had been quite rushed, i ran to my car and made the 20 minute drive down the highway to the dealership.
my mind had been on 15 different things all day and about half a mile from the dealership, i had an incredibly sinking realization that hadn't entered into my brain until then...
i can't drive a stick.
go ahead, laugh. i simply have never had the opportunity to learn.
i prayed the for the rest of the two minutes to the dealership.
it would not bode well if i had to call my boss to send out another driver.
sheepishly, i entered the dealership.
i put on my best brave face and said to the nearest salesman, "hi. i'm noah. i'm here to pick up a car for a videoshoot."
"sure thing." said the salesman. as he lead me to the rear of the dealership, he went into instant sales mode.
he began describing all of the luxurious features of the car.
i casually looked in the passenger side mirror and saw the gearshift with the familiar leather shift cover and white knob lettering on the floor.
"crap." i said out loud. "i can't drive a stick."
"no biggie," said the salesman, "it's an automatic."
"OH THANK GOD!" i sighed and blurted out.
"all i need is your license and a copy of your insurance card and we'll get you to sign some test-drive papers." he tried his best to smile, but i could tell that he was clearly unimpressed with my manhood.
i handed him the proper cards and trying to make with the funny, said, "yeah, i'm insured for a cavalier."
he was not amused.
i filled out the paperwork and he handed me a keychain with a strang cylindrical fob on it.
"let me show you how to start the car." he said with much disdain in his voice. as far as he was concerned i was not man enough to drive his kid's powerwheel, much less this fine piece of german engineering.
he pointed to the fob in my hands. "THAT is the key to the car. insert it into the slot here." he pointed under the wheel to the right where we simple plebians would never have looked. "to start the car, hold down the brake and push the 'start engine' button. to shut off the car, push the 'stop engine' button, push the key in and pull it out of the slot."
i held down the brake pedal and pushed the button. the car roared to life. the display panels lit up like the rockefeller plaza christmas tree. the radio blasted my ear canals with the dulcet tones of dayton's best corporate owned pop music station.
"now let me walk you through the navigation system." the salesman continued, "this is the main menu screen," he pointed to the in-dash display. "if at any time you wish to return to this menu, simply press the menu button three times. if you select the option on the right, it will show you a real-time map with your exact GPS coordinates. to zoom into street level, twist the knob clockwise. to pull out to city level twist it counter-clockwise."
"how do you turn off the radio?" i shouted.
"let me do that for you." he said as he pressed yet another button.
"do i need to know the navigation system to drive the car?" i asked.
"not really." he said with disappointment. he had given up any hope of the sale by this point.
"where's the seat controls" i asked.
with a dispondent sigh, he muttered, "on the lower left side of your seat."
i looked down to see not one, not two, but FOUR buttons to adjust the seat.
i adjusted the seat forward and then accidentally hit a button that activated the shiatsu massage feature.
this i quickly turned off because i did NOT want to be that relaxed in this very expensive, BORROWED car.
as i pulled back into work, i looked at the price tag.
$68 thousand smackaroos.
about 60 thousand more than what i had paid for my car.
i could go on but i'm preparing for another exciting work shoot.
enjoy the rest of the pics.
Monday, October 23, 2006
i feel like the papparazzi
i've got the gear, now i just have to wait for lindsay lohan to come to dayton.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Friday, October 13, 2006
lost: eyebrows and lashes. large reward.
i was next to a dear loved one at a religious meeting last night and during the sing-along portion of the program i caught a whiff of this person's breathe.
they had just exhaled as i was inhaling for the next verse.
i began to gag and had to immediately vacate the area and head to the restroom.
holy moses! i'm surprised the entire building didn't go up in flames from the noxious gases emanating from this person.
i got some fresh air and returned to my seat a few minutes later but had to control myself from giggling as my internal monologue kicked into hyperdrive.
i remember pondering, "how does one make one's breathe smell like toe jam, road kill and onions all at once?"
during the audience participation portion, i said to their spouse, "don't hand them the mic, they'll melt it!"
words cannot describe it. maybe a picture.
they had just exhaled as i was inhaling for the next verse.
i began to gag and had to immediately vacate the area and head to the restroom.
holy moses! i'm surprised the entire building didn't go up in flames from the noxious gases emanating from this person.
i got some fresh air and returned to my seat a few minutes later but had to control myself from giggling as my internal monologue kicked into hyperdrive.
i remember pondering, "how does one make one's breathe smell like toe jam, road kill and onions all at once?"
during the audience participation portion, i said to their spouse, "don't hand them the mic, they'll melt it!"
words cannot describe it. maybe a picture.
mark your calendars
maybe it's the friday the 13th thing or something but today i feel like i'm a hot piece of man-candy.it all started when i was at lunch at chipotle (where all hip and/or attractive people hang for lunch, myself obviously falling in the former category rather than the latter) and i had a chance encounter with a woman that i used to work with at my after-school job in high school.
she was a year behind me in school and we both worked together at the local public library.
in 10 years she certainly had grown to become an attractive woman.
i on the other hand... well let's just say that i'm not the skinny teenager that i once was.
i noticed her immediately and got her attention.
she came over to the table and gave me a hug.
"wow!" she said, "i was standing in line and thinking, 'i know those eyes."
she then looked me up and down and said, "you look great!"
mind you, this doesn't happen to me often.
i reciprocated complement-wise and we chatted for a moment before parting ways.
i returned to work feeling pretty darned good about myself. who doesn't like a nice ego-boost like that?
the little scenario had made my afternoon and i decided to share the experience with my coworkers.
i related the story and explained how much i enjoyed it, considering my horrible self-image and low self-esteem.
then a female coworker replied, "are you serious? you shouldn't feel that way. (another coworker) and i were talking and she said she thinks you're the most handsome man in our group."
this immediately got the attention of the two other guys.
"what!?!" i asked in astonishment.
"you know..." she said, "we were comparing notes and we both agreed that you are the most attractive man on our team."
"wait a minute." i interjected. "were you guys playing 'who would you do in the office?'"
"no, we weren't!" she quickly responded, as her cheeks started to turn flushed. "it's just you know, we were comparing all of the men. and you know, for women, it's so much more than looks. we were considering things like intellect, personality and humor and you rank the highest in our group."
"you were playing 'who would you do'! you are dirty, dirty women!" i countered.
then leo, the russian animator, got into the conversation. "so tell us," he demanded in a stern, slavic tone "where do the rest of us fit in on this list?"
"well..." she replied, "let's just say you need to shape up because you came in pretty close to the bottom."
consolingly, i told him, "i'm sure that doesn't mean that they wouldn't like to have a little weekend fling with you. it's just that i'm the kind of guy they want to bring home."
leo was not amused.
then turning to my female co-worker i asked, "so tell me, did you guys rank us in the category of nicest butt? because i'm sure i've got that one locked down too."
then i proceeded to strut around our cubicles like a rooster singing a slightly modified, first-person version of queen's "we are the champions."
(i'm kidding on the last part. but this all actually happened today.)
the end.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sunday, October 01, 2006
fun with voicemail part 2
my voicemail has me doing a stupid british accent and my friends are great at responding in kind.
see the link below.
the grand duchess
see the link below.
the grand duchess
the phantom theory
recently, one of my cousin's good friends emailed me with a request for a photo of her that i had taken a few months prior.
this wasn't out of the ordinary, but then i noticed her email address began with "phantomoto" and her signature had a single rose graphic and the amazing andrew lloyd weber lyric "night time heightens, sharpens each sensation..."
i sent her the requested photo, but i couldn't help myself. i had to rant.
here is an excerpt:
the phantom is creepy.
if i brought a girl down to my basement and showed her a mannequin that looked like her dead corpse wearing a dress that i made for her, i don't think she'd be sticking around...
i guess even with only 2/3 of an extremely handsome face, the world is still your oyster.
plus he has that whole tortured soul/high drama thing that you female types are so drawn to.
but can he hold down a real job? nope, he's too busy lurking around corners, brooding, plotting revenge and packing pyrotechnic packages for overly grandiose exits.
this was the beginning of my phantom theory.
as stated above, i believe that mathematically as long as you have 2/3 of an extremely handsome face, women will always find you attractive.
to illustrate, see the diagram below.
i started with a photo of denzel washington, arguably one of the handsomest men living today.
using state-of-the-art technology, i have attempted to de-handsome the man.
as you can see, after dipping below a 66% handsome level, all bets are off.
this merits more research.
if anyone out there has frivolous grant money that they'd like to part with, please let me know.
this wasn't out of the ordinary, but then i noticed her email address began with "phantomoto" and her signature had a single rose graphic and the amazing andrew lloyd weber lyric "night time heightens, sharpens each sensation..."
i sent her the requested photo, but i couldn't help myself. i had to rant.
here is an excerpt:
the phantom is creepy.
if i brought a girl down to my basement and showed her a mannequin that looked like her dead corpse wearing a dress that i made for her, i don't think she'd be sticking around...
i guess even with only 2/3 of an extremely handsome face, the world is still your oyster.
plus he has that whole tortured soul/high drama thing that you female types are so drawn to.
but can he hold down a real job? nope, he's too busy lurking around corners, brooding, plotting revenge and packing pyrotechnic packages for overly grandiose exits.
this was the beginning of my phantom theory.
as stated above, i believe that mathematically as long as you have 2/3 of an extremely handsome face, women will always find you attractive.
to illustrate, see the diagram below.
i started with a photo of denzel washington, arguably one of the handsomest men living today.
using state-of-the-art technology, i have attempted to de-handsome the man.
as you can see, after dipping below a 66% handsome level, all bets are off.
this merits more research.
if anyone out there has frivolous grant money that they'd like to part with, please let me know.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
kt tunstall don't use jelly!
that's her on stage...
what a great show!
in the words of the great inigo montoya, "i 'splain. no. is too much. i sum up..."
highlights of the evening:
kt's cover of the flaming lips' "she don't use jelly"
kt stopping a song for a fight and scolding the participants incredulously, "there's no fighting at a kt tunstall show."
kt introducing a slow song and then saying, "so, y'know, you might wanna..." and then pantomiming reaching around her imaginary date and copping a feel.
after said intro, me turning to felicia and telling her that if any guy tried to feel her up, i'd take care of it.
felicia asking "what if it's a girl trying to feel me up?" (there were a lot of butch women with their life-partners there)
myself responding (jokingly) that i had no problem with punching a woman.
the opening band was dead on "charlie" from lost.
me screaming "driveshaft rocks!"
the keyboard/trumpet player's washboard tie. which he actually used in one song.
raven's 6000 trips to the bathroom!!!
kt's amazing dimples.
----
more pics below. check out her cover of beck's "golden age" click here.
Monday, September 11, 2006
that's telekinesis, kyle!
david's got the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away.
WITH MIND BULLETS!
sick humor runs in the family
i saw my cousin jake over the weekend.we were both at an audio training seminar and i invited him and his wife, christy, to stop by my house on their drive home.
he politely declined because he had to pick her up at a mall and they were traveling a different way home.
"well, be sure to tell her that i missed her." i requested.
"i definitely will." he replied.
"and give her a kiss on the mouth for me." i added.
with a smile, he acted out how he would do this.
he close his eyes, puckered his lips and saucily pantomimed a long, passionate kiss with his absent wife.
he verbalized a good "mmmmmwaaaaahhh!" and then said, "... that's from noah!"
the scary thing is, he'll probably actually do it.
and she'll probably laugh.
shown above is the happy couple at a dragons game. (christy's first ballgame ever!)
Thursday, September 07, 2006
not to be crude but...
please tell me that this product is not pronounced the way i think it is pronounced.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
a positive outlook on layoffs
i used to work at an ad agency where one of the VPs was a totally abusive tyrant with a major napoleon complex.
while i was there i learned that i wasn't the first to endure his verbal and emotional abuse.
primarily because of this particular person, the turnover rate for employees is pushing 30%.
there are only 20 employees at this particular agency.
roughly every 75 days someone was moving on to greener pastures, as they say.
the one upside to this was that there was a thriving counter-culture that arose in the late 80's.
a former head of PR noticed the trend of talented artists coming in with high hopes and leaving because of the irrational, unprofessional behavior and cronyism.
to give the other poor victims of these heinous crimes some hope he created a "golden ticket" of sorts.
it was an envelope containing a postcard with the company letterhead and a remarkably appropriate mark twain quote on it.
the recipient of this card was then marked as the next person who had to leave the organization.
for more than 15 years, this card was fought over among the employees because it was more than just a scrap of paper, it was a right of passage.
it was a ticket to freedom that was to be redeemed as soon as possible.
i made a copy of it and have it posted above my desk.
even now as people are getting laid off at work, i look up at it and remember that things could be worse.
i could still be working there.
while i was there i learned that i wasn't the first to endure his verbal and emotional abuse.
primarily because of this particular person, the turnover rate for employees is pushing 30%.
there are only 20 employees at this particular agency.
roughly every 75 days someone was moving on to greener pastures, as they say.
the one upside to this was that there was a thriving counter-culture that arose in the late 80's.
a former head of PR noticed the trend of talented artists coming in with high hopes and leaving because of the irrational, unprofessional behavior and cronyism.
to give the other poor victims of these heinous crimes some hope he created a "golden ticket" of sorts.
it was an envelope containing a postcard with the company letterhead and a remarkably appropriate mark twain quote on it.the recipient of this card was then marked as the next person who had to leave the organization.
for more than 15 years, this card was fought over among the employees because it was more than just a scrap of paper, it was a right of passage.
it was a ticket to freedom that was to be redeemed as soon as possible.
i made a copy of it and have it posted above my desk.
even now as people are getting laid off at work, i look up at it and remember that things could be worse.
i could still be working there.
transformers as christian allegory from a 7-yr-old
there's a kid named manny in my bible study group that is seven years old and completely and utterly enthralled with the world of transformers.about three months ago, he discovered that i knew about transformers, which up to that point he thought was an experience that was unique to kids his age.
since then, he has hounded me with questions about specific characters that i hadn't thought about since i was his age twenty years ago.
every week at bible study group he regales me with stories of the various incarnations of optimus prime, the governmental structure of the speed planet the pivotal role of unicron and the insidious nature of megatron.
this has been going on weekly for 3 months now.
this past saturday, he started in again about a particular character named Sideways who's nefarious plot is to simply stir up contention among the autobots and get them to fight each other.
not only can manny go on and on for hours on the subject, he is also VERY soft-spoken. this makes it hard for even the most intent listener to understand what he is saying.
i did my best to listen to this long diatribe but after about 10 minutes i asked him to stop. we were, after all, out in the public ministry work and i had determined that it wasn't the appropriate time.
as kindly as i could, i said to him, "manny, maybe we should talk about something else right now. it's time to talk about the bible with our neighbors. let's talk about jesus and god's kingdom."
there was a long healthy pause in the conversation.
after much deliberation, manny spoke.
"y'know, optimus prime is kinda like jesus... he's wise and powerful and kind... "
"plus he died and came back... " i chimed in.
"and megatron is kind of like satan because he wants to rule the universe and only wants to do bad things... and the deceptacons are kind of like the demons because they follow him... and unicron is kind of like god because he created all the transformers and the planets and he can never die and he was never born, he just always was... "
at this point, manny's dad, randy, stepped in and said, "okay, manny, i think we're done with transformers today."
i laughed.
but then the more i thought about it, manny is right. there are an awful lot of parallels to biblical accounts in the world of transformers. i think he may be the only seven-year old alive who "gets it".
inspired by this new insight, i've created the art above.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
my wutang style beats your sudoku style
i beat my high score recently.
i just wanted the world to know.
i just wanted the world to know.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
horrible pun of the week
i'll be the first to admit that i've committed some egregious crimes of the pun variety.
the latest was from this past weekend.
i was eating lunch with a group of people and a young woman in the group was regaling us with stories about her recent trip to prague.
someone in the group asked her if it was her first time being abroad.
without missing a beat i replied, "actually, she's been one all her life."
is this thing on?
the latest was from this past weekend.
i was eating lunch with a group of people and a young woman in the group was regaling us with stories about her recent trip to prague.
someone in the group asked her if it was her first time being abroad.
without missing a beat i replied, "actually, she's been one all her life."
is this thing on?
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
i feel so alone
i sold my 60gb iPod, which i affectionately dubbed "podzilla", to my little sister about 2 weeks ago.i actually listened to the radio for one whole song this morning, but it offered no solace.
if you don't mind, i'd like to talk to my departed friend for a few paragraphs while i play boyz II men's "it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."
here goes...
i will miss you podzilla.
you were always there when i needed you.
when i was depressed, you helped me grieve with your "slit a wrist" playlist.
when i was happy you helped me express it with your "singing in the car" mix.
times weren't always easy for the two of us.
i remember that accidental drop you took last april. i thought i almost lost you.
i swore from that moment on that i would cherish every day that we spent together.
and i have.
i will always think of you fondly and recall the times i proudly displayed you to everyone i met.
you brought me joy and happiness and you never judged me when i downloaded the spice girls onto your hard drive.
i hope your next owner appreciates and loves you as much as i have.
and remember, we'll always have that stretch of I-75 to cincinnati.
i've decided to wait a while and not buy just any old ipod while i'm on the rebound.
but i have already picked out a name for the next one that i adopt.
mecha-podzilla!!!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
movies that changed my life, part 1
as a teenager, i was very self-conscious about my body.this is not a unique thing. in fact, i would say it's part of the modern human experience.
a certain movie came out when i was seventeen that propelled my insecurities to everest-level heights.
that movie was austin powers: the spy who shagged me.
i do admit that i was as enthralled with this character as the rest of the country.
i was known to let a "yeah, baby!" fly from time to time.
however, from that time forward, i was no longer able to remove my shirt in publc places.
pools and beaches were to be avoided at all cost.
i have a hairy chest. a lot of men do.
even now, 10 years later, i cannot frequent these places without hearing some idiot put on their best mike myers impersonation.
girlfriends, family members, small children, it doesn't matter, they all do it and think it is the most clever thing they've ever said.
here's an idea! when a kid with a stutter comes around, we can all start saying, "that's all folks!" and giggle right to his face.
i hate you, mike myers and your stupid movie.
they grow into evil women so fast...
at the district convention, my best friends' little girl, isabella (pictured right), sat next to me for part of the session on sunday.she took out her notebook and colored pencils and, trying to keep her focused on spiritual things, i asked her to draw noah's ark.
she rendered a wonderful illustration with different types of exotic animals peering out of each window.
feeling good about my grown-up skills, i encouraged her to draw some more.
again, focusing on spiritual things, i asked her to draw what her house is going to look like in paradise. "and draw where i'm going to live too!" i whispered.
i was hearing "raindrops keep falling on my head" and i sensed that this was going to be a sweet bonding experience for the both of us.
i watched as she drew two a-frame buildings touching each other.
i was deeply moved. isabella wanted me to live in an adjoining house with her family.
"that's beautiful!" i gushed, "Which one is mine."
"neither." she replied, "that's the garage."
"of course!" i thought.
i had asked a 7-yr-old child of a real estate agent to draw a house. why hadn't i expected her to draw the deluxe model?
still i pressed forward.
"what about my house?" i asked, "do i live nearby?"
she looked at me and smiled. "i'll draw where you're going to live!"
she chose the green pencil from the assortment in my hand and proceeded to fill the entire page up with the one color.
intrigued, i watched closer. was i going to be living in the amazon?
she then selected the brown pencil, drew a giant circle in the middle of the page and filled it in with the same brown.
smiling proudly she held it up to show me.
"you're gonna live in a hole!"
wickedly she giggled to herself.
i'll try to get scans to post later.
Monday, July 24, 2006
... and that's how i met your grandmother.
the following is a blog entry for my future grandchildren.
...
it was really serendipity that brought your grandmother and i together.
you see, after our religious convention, i went out to eat with your greatgrandma and grandpa and your aunt mel and her kids.
i had just eaten at this very same restaurant not one month prior.
we ordered our drinks and i decided to use the restroom.
of course, having eaten there recently, i knew exactly where the restrooms were and i entered into the door to the left.
as i entered the bathroom, something seemed amiss, but my mind was on ten different things and i really had to go pee.
my tingling spider-sense was overruled by a different and more alarming tingling sensation south of the border.
the urge to go was so strong that i didn't even close the stall door.
"why should i close the stall?" i thought to myself, "it's just a men's room."
mid-stream i discovered with a shock that it was not when i heard a young lady behind me yelp as she entered the room.
"oh! am i in the wrong room?!?!?" she cried.
"i don't know!" i replied frightedly over my shoulder, "am i?"
now most guys will tell you that it's very difficult to stop going once you turn on the water works.
in this case the shock and embarassment immediately activated the emergency shut-off valve and i hurriedly closed up shop and washed my hands.
exiting the ladies' room, i covered my eyes and muttered "i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry" as i passed the young woman who was now waiting outside.
i returned to my table quite red in the face, but not as embarassed as i was a few moments later when the very same young woman sat down at the table right next to ours, looking equally flushed.
she sat down and whispered something to her friends.
trying to make the best of things, i pushed my chair out and turned around.
as i got a better view of the girl, i saw that she was actually quite attractive and was a delegate from the very convention that we had just left.
holding out my hand i said, "hi, my name's noah. i'm so sorry. what's your name?"
she introduced herself and apologized as well.
"y'know," i pondered out loud, "i thought it was strange that the restroom didn't have any urinals."
and your grandmother laughed.
it was at that moment that i realized that our souls were going to be bonded forever.
...
and a brief message to don pablo's...
PAINT SOME FRICKIN' ICONS ON YOUR RESTROOM DOORS!!!
I SEE SO MUCH TYPE EVERY DAY THAT I'VE STOPPED READING EVERYTHING THAT IS PUT IN FRONT OF ME!!!
RETARDS LIKE ME NEED PICTURES!!!!
...
it was really serendipity that brought your grandmother and i together.
you see, after our religious convention, i went out to eat with your greatgrandma and grandpa and your aunt mel and her kids.
i had just eaten at this very same restaurant not one month prior.
we ordered our drinks and i decided to use the restroom.
of course, having eaten there recently, i knew exactly where the restrooms were and i entered into the door to the left.
as i entered the bathroom, something seemed amiss, but my mind was on ten different things and i really had to go pee.
my tingling spider-sense was overruled by a different and more alarming tingling sensation south of the border.
the urge to go was so strong that i didn't even close the stall door.
"why should i close the stall?" i thought to myself, "it's just a men's room."
mid-stream i discovered with a shock that it was not when i heard a young lady behind me yelp as she entered the room.
"oh! am i in the wrong room?!?!?" she cried.
"i don't know!" i replied frightedly over my shoulder, "am i?"
now most guys will tell you that it's very difficult to stop going once you turn on the water works.
in this case the shock and embarassment immediately activated the emergency shut-off valve and i hurriedly closed up shop and washed my hands.
exiting the ladies' room, i covered my eyes and muttered "i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry" as i passed the young woman who was now waiting outside.
i returned to my table quite red in the face, but not as embarassed as i was a few moments later when the very same young woman sat down at the table right next to ours, looking equally flushed.
she sat down and whispered something to her friends.
trying to make the best of things, i pushed my chair out and turned around.
as i got a better view of the girl, i saw that she was actually quite attractive and was a delegate from the very convention that we had just left.
holding out my hand i said, "hi, my name's noah. i'm so sorry. what's your name?"
she introduced herself and apologized as well.
"y'know," i pondered out loud, "i thought it was strange that the restroom didn't have any urinals."
and your grandmother laughed.
it was at that moment that i realized that our souls were going to be bonded forever.
...
and a brief message to don pablo's...
PAINT SOME FRICKIN' ICONS ON YOUR RESTROOM DOORS!!!
I SEE SO MUCH TYPE EVERY DAY THAT I'VE STOPPED READING EVERYTHING THAT IS PUT IN FRONT OF ME!!!
RETARDS LIKE ME NEED PICTURES!!!!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
jessica albot version 1.0
there's an old adage that every student learns in mad science 101..."if you can't find a good woman, build one."
the great thing about this model is the operating system engram which scours the internet for the real jessica alba's interviews and creates a composite personality based on her comments.
so the more press that she gets, the closer i am to having the real thing!
also, she doubles as an engine jack.
though, now that i think of it, some girly-parts would have been nice.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
what's sharper than an architect's pencil?
answer: his sense of irony.
i was walking around the grounds at work and i pondered out loud, "why is the smokers' paddock right next to the company gym?"
to which my coworker replied, "it's the architect's idea of a sick joke."
i responded, "aaahhh... touché, i.m pei!"
not that our hq was designed by pei.
it's just that it rhymed.
nevermind.
i was walking around the grounds at work and i pondered out loud, "why is the smokers' paddock right next to the company gym?"
to which my coworker replied, "it's the architect's idea of a sick joke."
i responded, "aaahhh... touché, i.m pei!"
not that our hq was designed by pei.
it's just that it rhymed.
nevermind.
Friday, July 14, 2006
if i was on american idol mix...
ok... indulge me.
let's pretend i had a good singing voice and made it on american idol.
here's a mix of some of the songs i would sing in no particular order (see itunes links to sample and purchase songs)
"wurlitzer prize" by waylon jennings. i love norah's pacing on this one. and if i have to do country night, i'm gonna sing real country music, not the modern pop with a steel guitar crap that passes for country today.
"who put the bomp" as performed by me first and the gimme gimmes. for 50's night. don't discount this band, the lead singer actually has a great voice.
"time after time" written by cindi lauper, as performed by eva cassidy. i'm comfortable enough in my own manhood to say that i nearly cried the first time i heard eva cassidy's version of this song..
"come together" written by the beatles funked up by the meters. because i wouldn't be there just to sing, i'd be there to blow people's minds.
"miss saturday night" by townhall. slow and earnest then funky and fun, just like me.
"possum kingdom" by the toadies. because i want to rock for once in my life.
"loves me like a rock" by paul simon. this song makes me smile when i sing it.
"soul man" by sam & dave. i've always loved this song. i karaoked (sic?) this one at a friend's wedding and had all the elderly black women cheering.
"someone to watch over me/our love is here to stay" by george gershwin. two of my most favorite gershwin songs, not a fan of elton but i really love this one.
"gavin's song" by marc broussard. for when i want to get acoustic.
"more than words" by extreme. the basic message is the time-honored "put out or get out" but for some reason most women think it's sensitive and romantic. ?!?!?!?!?
"house where nobody lives" by tom waits. a beautiful melancholy song with a profound ending verse.
my three-tiered plan is this: 1/3 classics with a twist, 1/3 funky, goofy songs, 1/3 emotional ballads that aren't celine dion.
what do you think?
enough of my friends and family are obsessive/compulsive enough to give this some serious thought.
what would your picks be? (this is noah begging for feedback)
the funniest thing i heard this week...
i was saying to two kids from my congregation how it wasn't fair that they tan so well in the summer.
they happen to be one quarter brazilian which i'm sure has nothing to do with it.
i mentioned how there was no chance of me getting a tan because of the fact that i spend most of my waking hours in-doors behind a computer monitor.
anthony said, "here's what i don't get: mason (my 11-yr-old cousin) is outdoors all the time. but when he takes his shirt off he looks like a bottle of elmer's glue."
i love mason dearly but i couldn't help but laugh.
second funniest thing i heard this week... a software review on a shareware download site that read "great program... my friend with tourette's swears by it.
they happen to be one quarter brazilian which i'm sure has nothing to do with it.
i mentioned how there was no chance of me getting a tan because of the fact that i spend most of my waking hours in-doors behind a computer monitor.
anthony said, "here's what i don't get: mason (my 11-yr-old cousin) is outdoors all the time. but when he takes his shirt off he looks like a bottle of elmer's glue."
i love mason dearly but i couldn't help but laugh.
second funniest thing i heard this week... a software review on a shareware download site that read "great program... my friend with tourette's swears by it.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
karaoke: the great... satan???
i was browsing the itunes store the other day and i noticed an artist named "karaoke".
gullible fool that i am, i clicked on it.
kowinky-dink?
i think not.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
fun with voicemail, part 1
i can't remember why jeremy left this message on my phone, possibly we were supposed to go get mexican.
either way it's a keeper.
jeremy reads the menu
either way it's a keeper.
jeremy reads the menu
uncle nachooooooooo!!!!
i went to see nacho libre last week and i started missing my uncle paul.
jack black will definitely have to play him in the movie adaptation of my life story.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
thanks, mick o'grady... if that is your real name
last thursday i got a call out of the blue from a guy, named mick o'grady who works in my building and whom i had never met (photo to right pulled from company directory).
the following is a general transcription of that conversation.
(telephone rings)
noah: this is noah.
mick o'grady: noah. mick o'grady.
n: hi mick...
mo: do you own an ipod?
n: yes i do...
mo: i'm listening to your music library right now on itunes. where did you get "happy together" by the turtles.
n: i bought it from the itunes store.
mo: did you buy all of this music from itunes?
n: no, it's just a smattering of my collection that i brought from home.
mo: this is a great collection! i've been listening to it for the last 2 weeks and you've got a lot of great different music. is there anyway to copy your music to my ipod over the network.
n: uh... no.
mo: oh, ok. i just wanted to let you know how much i've been enjoying your collection. i'll talk to you later.
n: ok. enjoy.
(phone hangs up)
here's to you, mick o'grady. and to my irish music loving brethren everywhere.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
another boring day at the office
behind-the-scenes look at a video shoot that i did this past thursday.
it would take too long to explain why.
i'm in the shadows to the left.
gaaaarrrrrr.... this is why i went to college.
call u-haul...
Because according to this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly, I'm living in the wrong neighborhood.
truly creepy...
This is the scene from outside a window near my desk.
Hooray for man-made lakes near corporate headquarters and the flocks of hissing turd machines that they attract.
Monday, June 26, 2006
the woman quote caused the problem to manifest itself...
apparently, that means that i have a few bugs in my page code.
so if images don't quite look right, that's why.
i'm working on it and hope to have it resolved soon.
i blame y2k and the davinci code.
so if images don't quite look right, that's why.
i'm working on it and hope to have it resolved soon.
i blame y2k and the davinci code.
the complexities of co-ed touch football for the 11-yr-old boy
i went to a friend's house for lunch after the meeting today and all of the kids were out back playing touch football, including a 12-year-old girl who it seems just wanted to run around and be a tomgirl.
the funny thing to watch was the boys who were noticably unsure of which body part was safe to tag her on.
hands would lunge and then just as quickly recoil.
i'm so glad that i've grown up and traded the pre-teen awkwardness for late-20s social retardedness.
the funny thing to watch was the boys who were noticably unsure of which body part was safe to tag her on.
hands would lunge and then just as quickly recoil.
i'm so glad that i've grown up and traded the pre-teen awkwardness for late-20s social retardedness.
Friday, June 23, 2006
rednecks will cheer for anything
so i went to see an awesome band featuring a guitar player from the british blues invasion era, savoy brown.
awesome show at gilly's nightclub. check them out in the iTunes Music Store.
in the middle of the set, he was telling stories to the audience and cracked a joke about being welsh and having a fiery celtic demeanor.
at this, some drunk redneck hollered, "Woo! Celtic!"
?!?!?!?
anyways, enjoy the pics from my camera phone and why does he have a rennaissance-painting-Christ glow?
awesome show at gilly's nightclub. check them out in the iTunes Music Store.
in the middle of the set, he was telling stories to the audience and cracked a joke about being welsh and having a fiery celtic demeanor.
at this, some drunk redneck hollered, "Woo! Celtic!"
?!?!?!?
anyways, enjoy the pics from my camera phone and why does he have a rennaissance-painting-Christ glow?
Monday, June 19, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
JC Leyendecker... O.G. Illustrator
i was recently browsing for interesting informational dvds on my blockbuster online account when i came across a documentary on early 20th century advertising illustrator Joseph Christian Leyendecker.
being an illustrator and graphic designer i'm drawn to his work.
i thought this would be a sure bet and i chose to add the movie to my rental queue.
however notice what blockbuster recommended to me, based on my selection.
upon further research i discovered that aside from his fame as an illustrator leyendecker used to hang with E.T. as a kid, got shot in the face 12 times during a drug deal gone wrong, and pioneered the concept of the boy band.
so i guess the recommendations made sense after all.
he was truly a renaissance man.
being an illustrator and graphic designer i'm drawn to his work.
i thought this would be a sure bet and i chose to add the movie to my rental queue.
however notice what blockbuster recommended to me, based on my selection.
upon further research i discovered that aside from his fame as an illustrator leyendecker used to hang with E.T. as a kid, got shot in the face 12 times during a drug deal gone wrong, and pioneered the concept of the boy band.
so i guess the recommendations made sense after all.
he was truly a renaissance man.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
action figure smackdown
the one in the middle was a "gift" from a boss i hated.
Fact or Crap? Dayton radio sucks
The answer is... FACT!
I called into Z93 to win movie passes this morning.
To win I had to be the first to honk my horn and "ring in" with the correct answer to questions that only someone who regularly watches Access Hollywood and reads OK! magazine would know.
I answered incorrectly when they asked "Fact or Crap? Bon Jovi's Richie Sambora has recently been giving his new girlfried Denise Richards guitar lessons."
I said "Fact" thinking "He's a guitarist, why not."
Their answer was, "Wrong, but he has let her play with his organ"
Oh, Bravo Z93 morning show...
Bravo.
I called into Z93 to win movie passes this morning.
To win I had to be the first to honk my horn and "ring in" with the correct answer to questions that only someone who regularly watches Access Hollywood and reads OK! magazine would know.
I answered incorrectly when they asked "Fact or Crap? Bon Jovi's Richie Sambora has recently been giving his new girlfried Denise Richards guitar lessons."
I said "Fact" thinking "He's a guitarist, why not."
Their answer was, "Wrong, but he has let her play with his organ"
Oh, Bravo Z93 morning show...
Bravo.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
note to self...
if you are single and in the dating game, never mention to a woman that you think their single friend is cute.
there are only two possible outcomes to this scenario.
scenario one: the woman that you mention this to wishes the attention for herself and you get the classic response "what am i? chopped liver?"
jealousy. contention. uncomfortable after effects.
possibly worse is scenario two.
scenario two: the woman that you mention this to begins to imagine fixing you up with her single friend.
the eyes perk up and smiling spasms erupt.
lots of fast talk quickly ensues which sounds something like this "do-you-want-to-meet-her-i-had-lunch-with-her-yesterday-you-would-make-such-a-cute-couple-and-we-could-go-on-double-dates-together-oh-my-god-could-you-imagine-if-you-had-kids-they-would-be-so-cute-can-i-be-in-your-wedding-here-she-comes-do-you-want-me-to-introduce-you-we-could-be-best-couple-friends-wouldn't-that-be-so-much-fun!!!!!!!!!"
what is that?!?!?
what is the thrill of fixing up your friends?
i don't get it.
there are only two possible outcomes to this scenario.
scenario one: the woman that you mention this to wishes the attention for herself and you get the classic response "what am i? chopped liver?"
jealousy. contention. uncomfortable after effects.
possibly worse is scenario two.
scenario two: the woman that you mention this to begins to imagine fixing you up with her single friend.
the eyes perk up and smiling spasms erupt.
lots of fast talk quickly ensues which sounds something like this "do-you-want-to-meet-her-i-had-lunch-with-her-yesterday-you-would-make-such-a-cute-couple-and-we-could-go-on-double-dates-together-oh-my-god-could-you-imagine-if-you-had-kids-they-would-be-so-cute-can-i-be-in-your-wedding-here-she-comes-do-you-want-me-to-introduce-you-we-could-be-best-couple-friends-wouldn't-that-be-so-much-fun!!!!!!!!!"
what is that?!?!?
what is the thrill of fixing up your friends?
i don't get it.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
My greatest accomplishment
and my tombstone will read "beloved husband, father, gifted lover, conqueror of lost vikings."
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Jessica Alba Einstein?
Apparently, I am destined to be alone. As a dear friend recently told me, "I think you're looking for a woman who is extremely attractive and can keep up with you intellectually and you're just not going to find someone who's smart enough for you."
Or as my cousin said yesterday, "It's a lost cause... you're never going to find someone who looks like Jessica Alba with the mind of Albert Einstein."
So it's obvious I am left with only one alternative...
I must build a Jessica Albot.
IT... COULD... WORK!!!! (lightning and sound of crackling thunder)
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